beauty in the breakdown

2011-08-05T11:11:00.001-07:00

i miss you today.

someone like you-adele

2011-07-14T11:49:00.001-07:00

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

2011-07-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

good morning sun, let me meet you with a run, minute after minute turns into an hour and its the first time in awhile that i have felt free to be me, and its simple or so it sounds, but you have no idea how much time this has taken me...you make me feel like i can breathe in the sweetest things wtih ease. you are something i am grateful for, you dont force me into this mold that i cant seem to fill, you dont expect me to be anybody other than myself and for that i am grateful.

12 hours,spent.

2011-07-09T17:33:00.001-07:00

and the day begins with mounds of paperwork

and layers of concrete,

but little do they know the day is just unfolding

into something great

car drives and coffee time,

the hours fly by,

until he gets to her driveway

after a long morning

her oversized shirt

swallows her up

as her wavy wet hair, just sits there,

she is adorably waiting for him

he stands before her,

tall, dark, smiling,

she runs up to him, and hugs him,

with every ounce of strength her arms have

music is shared along with laughter

and its like they have known each other before,

but this is the first time they have been together

and yes it shocks them too

cuddles on the couch,

he is content

and she is perfectly happy

all curled up

pizza for dinner,

and a thrilling movie,

they are wrapped up in each other

its comfortable

stories from the heart,

followed by little kisses,

and sleep,

there isn't a dull moment

his kisses are sweet,

and charming,

just like his character,

she is thankful for this

the morning sun will soon rise,

and the day will begin again,

she is excited

and his face seems to agree with her

so bring on tmrw,

in hopes of another great day.

first thought of the morning

2011-07-07T09:50:00.001-07:00

oversized longsleeve and blue jean cut offs,

black coffee and a good book,

just let me be.

and let me breathe,

wavy blonde hair cascading

from a head held high,

this morning is earlier

than she thought it was,

fidgets and cup after cup,

she sits

waiting to just write what is on her mind,

its like thats her sweet little way of bearing her soul

knowing it will be read,

its just more simple this way,

to write it out

its this tinge of vulnerability that she cant escape

even if she tries,

and thats okay.

in a way its what she wants,

for you to know how she is,

but you have to read between the little lines...

sweet thing-july 5

2011-07-06T21:37:00.001-07:00

so this is it, sweet thing.

chocolate milk,

ponytail and tanktop,

you

and this comfy couch,

this is it, sweet thing,

together,

mile for mile,

lazy day,

you look

at me.

this is it, sweet thing,

cuddle

closer

fingers intertwined

kiss my fore head

this is it sweet thing,

rain falls

harder outside

warmth

stays in.

this is it sweet thing

let me hold you

right here

for now

curl up

this is it sweet thing

sun will rise

in a few

what will be left sweet thing.

the grand in the corner

2011-05-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

here sit the keys, beckoning for my black nailed fingers,
its like i should only play on the black keys today,
as the sun slowly peers in through my darkened curtains,
its morning staring at me, and cascading over the black satin piece before me,
all night ive sat here, waiting to let the music dictate,
but the music isnt there, and my soul is weak,
the white keys now radiate such light,
as i sit here, i place my fingers so sweetly on the keys,
i miss you,
and i start to play, and the drowning sound of music
comes from these fingertips,
just rolling in the deep, in this moment,
i am free, and my soul misses you,
now more than ever, so i will sit here longer
and play till my fingers hurt,
because youre what i want.

2011-05-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

welll.i am learning on this little adventure.
and certain moments get sweeter.
your apology means the world to me
and real conversations with you exist just like they did previously and for that i am thankful.

2011-04-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

its weird, when you find exactly what you want and what you feel is right,
and you have to wait it out. its one of those things where i know we both felt the same feelings, strong ones. its love. deep down to the core. and cold feet get in the way. but i know you love me and i love you right back. its something niether one of us can say anymore, but youre my best friend and i dont want any one different, you mean the world to me, and to replace you would be nothing short of second best, because no one is better than you. you are wonderful. you love God and you do your best to serve him, and i get to watch. you are a provider. and i feel safe in your arms and your presence and thats how it should be. you are capable of loving unconditionally and i admire that in you.
its so weird for my soul to not want another, for me to not crave freedom from this, and thats how i know it is right and i know you have to do what you need to do during this time, but i sure miss you.
i miss our conversations the most, and i know things wont go back to great at the end of this, in fact, we may have to start completely anew. and that is okay. id rather start over with you than be with somebody else. i know i repeat myself but its only because i want you to know that i care, alot, about you. i am trying my best to give you what you need, but some days, i just need you to talk to me like nothing is wrong or that your heart is hardened, i know you care. and i know we desire the same things in this and in life, and i dont want you to lose sight of that or of the Lord, so please....just hang in there, and dont grow cold, because i would do anything for you to know my thoughts and for you to know how much you mean to me.

2011-04-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

you are the only that reads this...
or at least the only one i know that reads it.
its like i write little notes, straight from my heart and my mind,
for you to find, so sweetly nestled in the words on the screen.

its things i want so badly to just tell you,
but i would rather you just read them on your own time for now...
just know that i dont mind when you read them,
its like little bits of reassurance,
coming straight from my soul.

2011-04-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

so babe, hang on these words,
put them in your pocket.
patience is key,
and trust is everything,
i am not leaving you here,
and i will never leave you here.
I will be here when you are ready,
my words are connected to my feet,
and i do everything according to them,
the thouht of losing you,
takes me deeply under,
and i start to drown in this horrible thought,
I have never let go of you
and i will not ever,
because love, you mean alot to me,
therefore, i will paddle and kick and continue to swim in my thoughts,
i will not drown in them,
because you are the only one i want,
still, continuously, forever.
always.

2011-04-17T20:25:00.003-07:00

so just let this be known....
i miss you.
and i am hanging on,
not fading into the gray.

a saturday night dream

2011-04-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

brown boots, blue jean shorts,
blonde haired and green eyed,
freshly tan skin from the days rays,
she is ready for what this night holds,
avoiding the temptations,
and sticking to her guns,
whiskey and coke in hand,
he grabs the other, and steers her to the floor,
tall, dark, handsome, broad shoulders,
boots, jeans, and a sleepy smile,
she wraps one arm around him,
and they scuffle their boots to the beat of the music,
randy rogers, josh abbott,
the look he gives her is precious,
as she cant control her feet,
he leads her,
spins and twirls,
across the dance floor,
as every other girl turns green with envy,
he smiles down at her,
as she looks up at him,
the minutes of each song slow down
and its just the two of them.
and she find comfort in the nook of his shoulder,
songs end, and they take their places on the sidelines
as the others take the floor,
and they share stories,
with his arm around his chair,
and her hand on his leg,
as he just smiles are her
as if she is the most adorable thing around,
his attention doesn't waiver from her green eyes and big smile,
he is smitten by her
and the words that roll off her tongue,
he is caught up in every idea of her, she is beautiful,
they dance the night away,
and she can't help but smile, constantly,
he is wrapped around her little finger,
and wants to so badly to see her again,
but she has no idea.

4.3.11

2011-04-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

and its two simple truths that i havent been able to wrap my mind around until last sunday...
sitting in a black tank top, jeans, cross legged in a black chair, picking at my nails,
begging God to show me something, or to tell me something....

blonde haired, weary eyed, i waited.
Matt begins to pour out his heart saying some of will grasp it and some already know....
God loves you.
God is with you.

simple, yes, we would like to think so....as my mind sat there, i knew i had heard those things before
so why is now...any different....

getting and feeling God's approval is one of the hardest things.

yes. yes. it is.
all my life i have wrestled with this concept.

no matter the thousands of times i have let go, he has never let go of me.
he has made me unshakable in world that is shaky.

God's love is not founded on what we do, good or bad.
His approval of me is not waivered by my failures.

As Matt held out a hand and said....imagine your sin, the one you consider to be the worst...
tears welled up in my eyes facing the facts of my past life
and then truth is spoken into them in that moment...
God loves you despite these things, he loved you before them, through them and he will love you after them.
tears streamed down my face.

Matt held out his other hand....imagine your fears, the worst thing that could happen, that you are afraid of....
the tears got worse,
and then then the truth comes overflowing....
God is with you in them, He will not let you go, He brought you to every moment for a reason,

i sat with my face buried in my hands, and i wept.

in that moment, the weight of the fact that God never failed to pursue me,
he never let go of me, this was overwhelming...

peace rested sweetly on my soul.

as my lips sung the beauties of his love.

His hold is stronger than i can dare hope or dream.

love immeasurable,
matchless and bountiful.
you came to waken us to life.

ramble moment

2011-03-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

mayan mocha.sketchbook.
letters.thoughts.
moments.

i can't help but to still let my mind wander in and out of reality,
to jump from blog to blog,
to wonder when this too shall pass,
to let me be completely alone.

my mind races in the night, as my head tries to sleep,
but this pillow and this bed, just arent the same anymore,
i cant enjoy sleep knowing the weekend is appraoching and i cant see you.

and why is this the case, why does my heart still break randomly.

i beg myself not to become numb.
a week and a half has come and gone,
and you want to figure this out.

and i know its true so this sweet girl will wait on you,
for as long as it takes for the amount of weeks that accumulate,
i want you.still.

and some days are harder,
and id be crazy if i didnt get frustrated sometimes,
but i dont let that hinder my feelings about you.
i still love you.
even in this.

and there is no way to tell you but to wait to prove it.

and if being patient is what proves my love for you.
then so be it.
i will wait.

letters of love and quiet moments...
i love you like the stars above.
and ill love you till i die.

and these ramblings are the pace of my brain.
from song to moment....
everything races by while i wait.....
and slow motion consumes me.
i could run as fast as i want but i will go nowhere,
because i just want to run to you.

and i wonder what you are doing
and what you are learning
when you leave me the dark
i wonder what will happen next,
so my expectations are void,
and my thoughts hurt me sometimes but
love of mine, i will wait.

these arent just empty words
i am here sweetly waiting for you.

and i will back up the words with sweet moments.
while i stand my ground.

because i love you.
everything about you.
and this hurts to go through,
but love i will be here.
at the end of it all.

reposted from march 23,2010

2011-03-27T21:47:00.001-07:00

there could never be another

where'd all this sweetness come from, best friend?

this caring soul you posses is shining through

and a smile cant help but breach my face,

your perseverance is impeccable,

as you chase me around from year to year

and not an angry frown as controlled your thoughts,

country music, boots, and dancing in the kitchen,

is something i hated before you swept me off my feet,

and these moments make me joyful,

and not just happy temporarily.

i have burnt the bridges in my past

and left that baggage on the last plane,

ready and willing to embark on the next adventure,

so please be patient, as you care for me,

because i am not quick to accept it,

you have the boys from before to thank for my callused heart.

so read my expression of love,

and take it as a grain of salt,

because this isnt easy for me

as you soften my heart

and lead me,

i cant help but be grateful

for such a beautiful thing.

best friend,

thanks for never permanently leaving my side,

through thick and thin,

youre the only guy that has picked up all the broken pieces,

stringing them back together isn't going to be easy,

but you will have some help,

so don't let go when it gets rough,

because thats what the others did,

don't lead me into darkness,

because i am giving you my trust,

get ready,

you might want to buckle up,

this adventure appears to be a long one,

filled with beautiful stops and time to smell the flowers.

2011-03-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

today, tomorrow, i will be here.
glorious, he will reign, at the beginning and end of each day.

youre still my best friend

2011-03-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

God gave me you for the ups and the downs,so i can't be discouraged, for He will be glorified, and i recognize your obedience and all that it entails...so even though this is hard for me, i know it is best for you, so i will hold on, knowing that the end result will be beautiful, when your struggles are no longer. it is easy to be angry and therefore in order to be stronger, i will not fall into anger.
it is easy to believe lies, therefore i will not. i will hang on every word, and trust that you have my best interest at heart and even more importantly that my Creator has my best interest at heart...
and he knows that my heart desires you when things are all said and done, and he knows what is best for us.together and apart.
i pray that you don't forget our sweet moments together, like morning kisses, a cruise, valentines day, cstat, weekends together, or smaller things, like sharing deodorant, and wearing your shirts, or dancing in hotel rooms to late hours of the night trying to perfect the pretzel, the list goes on, from bra shopping to walking around the block, you have brought joy to all these things for me, and your smile seems to agree.
i pray that your soul be renewed and wonderful, that you recognize what is right, and i pray for determination and strength and perseverance and peace.
i pray that you understand where i am coming from and that you know i will not waiver,
i will be by your side as your best friend, like it always has been and always will be, although this is hard, my tears are done, and i can now learn to encourage and love you better, for in this, i am trying to be thankful.
i do not harbor anger in your direction, and i try not to worry as you go forth on your own, please dont fail to keep informed and set me at ease, for it is a rough transition.

best friend, you mean alot to me, more than words can express, you have not failed me, and you have always directed my eyes to the Lord and not to your own hands, for i have learned so much through all of this and i know it can only get better, day at a time, and i pray that we can rebuild our relationship with an even greater foundation. so do what you must, and soak it all in, for you are wonderful, and God is going to do great things for you in the course of this time.

2011-03-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

and so she will patiently for the one she wants beside her,
she has been through so much just to get to one year with you,
and she loves you more than you are able to comprehend,
her heart is yours to hold or to break,
and its a scary thought for her to trust, yet she lets you in so willingly,
everyone can see how perfect they are together,
yet he stumbles once in awhile and lets her sit and wait,while he makes up his mind,
and all that she needs is a simple answer,
so she will hang on every word, as he talks to her,
and she will cry sweet tears, when she hears his voice,
it takes everything within her to get through one day at a time,
and as she sleeps she dreams, of every sweet moment, that she is afraid he is letting go,
and when the dawn breaks, another day begins,
and she will go on, just waiting for him to take her in,
because he means more to her than any other, ever has or ever will.

2011-03-16T21:50:00.001-07:00

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)

2011-03-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

and this is constantly on my mind,
how can you give her everything and promise her tommorrow?
and then just want to walk away from her at the drop of a pin.
how can you not see how wonderful she is for you?
on your weakest of days she is there to hold you up,
on your happiest, she is there to jump for joy with you,
she has given up plenty for you.
how can you not see the heartache she is willing to go through, just for you
her final cries are ones of pain, despair, and love,
she cant let go of something she wanted for so long,
she want you at the finish line with her,
how could this not be right?
are your attractions wandering?
you are wavering at her expense,
and leaving her to ponder what she did wrong,
and around every break and bend, she is still standing strong,
attempting to prove to you that she is the one for you,
the one that will not go away after an arguement,
the one that will help you through life's journey,
the one that will stand by your side when no one else will,
the one that cares deeply about you, and hurts when you do,
she aches over wasted time and energy,
and the way you push yourself away,
the hurt is heavy and the burden even heavier,
yet she will carry it, just to be with you,
you are her best friend, and she is yours,
yet you cant be honest with her,
even in moments such as this,
she prays for answers,
for wisdom
for guidance
for you.
she will hold on,
until she cant anymore,
she is slowly breaking
but has little glimmers of hope
and little glimpse of joy,
as she clings to her Creator, admist the turmoil,
and begs for no pain, although her heart is full,
she looks at old pictures, and pulls our old memory files,
and believes that everything in her life has lead her to you,
and its all left in your hands,
for you to take or for you to leave,
its a hard decision to take on,
and she wonders why you do this to her
but she waits patiently because she knows how right it all feels,
she loves you more than anyone,
and will give you the time you need,
she hopes you take into account the happy things,
and sweet moments and memories, that you wont ever have with someone else,
because she knows your difficult self, and in the end,
you are worth it to her.
so don't be hasty and leave her right away,
when things arent simple and life gets in the way,
you need each other, its plain to see,
you were meant to be.

2011-03-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

and i hope that you arent slipping away from me,
like a faded flower in the field.
and i hope that you don't see me differently than before,
because all of this has got to stop and this whole bit needs to end.
the stress of this is hard enough on me, and it makes me shiver,
so i keep clinging and i cant help but hold on tighter than normal,
and i am sorry, i just will not let you go.
i know things in your world revolve around work, but i am still here,
and i will not go anywhere unless you want to push me away,
so while the last few days havent been easy, niether will the next few months,
so please dont leave me in the midst of mayhem, while you chase other things,
it is hard enough with the distance, and i pray that it makes your heart grow more full,
than ever before.
so please stick by my side like you have all along, now is not the time to slowly fade away,
because i need your gaze and your attention more than ever,
and your sweet words would help too,
instead of wandering in your mind,
look at me and tell me what youre thinking.
stop leaving me in the dark, because it scares me
and all i want is you to come grab my hand,
while this storm passes raging by.

breathless

2011-02-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

why, why is it that i only harbor hatred towards you.

the roots of the turmoil go deep within my soul, my sweet happy little soul, that cries for tenderness.

the fights and volume of your voice remain as the hurt creeping in my neck.

sometimes i can't shake it off, the way you shook me.

i can't let go of the late nights and scary times, the forced laughter and love.

why, why is it that i only resent you.

the superficiality of you, sits in the pit of my stomach,

the weight of your friendship, pulls me down too far.

sometimes i hold it all against you, you critical bitch.

i can't help but picture you in agony, with a smile on my face.

why, why is it that you chased me.

the excitement in your eyes, warms my heart.

the beauty in your touch lays effortlessly on my skin.

sometimes i wonder how you got here.

i can't help but to hold on tight.

why why is it that you love me.

the past haunts me and sits on my porch in bags.

the look in your eyes is comforting to my long lost self.

sometimes i don't understand your loving demeanor.

i can't let go of all the joy you have brought me.

why why is it that we are so perfect together.

the good always outweighs the bad.

the days are continually brighter with you.

sometimes i realize this dream, is my reality.

i don;t understand how this all happened.

lover of my impossible soul,

thank you for holding me close when the bellboy knocks on my door with lost baggage.

i can always turn to you, and you love me, consistently.

i am beyond breathless at my journey.

sweet nothings

2011-02-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

and the day we broke up was the day i went flying, the day i set soar in the skies above with my little wings, that are now the width of an eagle's. it is funny how you think about your life consistently and how you think it will pan out and then it never quite goes according to your daydreams.
it takes years and mistakes to get your daydreams into reality.

breathless abandonment.

its weird for me to pull out the files of old memories, its like something i have so simply tried to erase. from moment to moment, i erase. but little bits of nothing remain.

the moment i walked out your hideous door, my daydreams fell right before me as if i was walking through a wardrobe of wonders and every little door opened after that.

here i sit.literally....wondering how....

2010-10-30T22:14:00.000-07:00

the feelings of self doubt and disbelief consistently convey themselves through her over the course of two weeks, she is imperfect.

the thought of imperfection kills her slowly, as her outer appearance screams perfection,

she is failing.

she is alone and tempted,

and slightly wounded...

not yet to be comforted...
she waits.
she misses the old persona that never felt a thing,
her loneliness and pain was hidden under a rock in which she buried deep within the threads of old tshirts and faded jeans.
whats left of her? it is all still there...twisted in the fibers of her inner most being.
waiting to come out.
as her best friend stares in amazement, and he wonders what to do next,
yet his own palms are sweaty because he to, fails her.
he fails to comfort her as she is caving in the midst of her tears...
she is still alone.
and the hugs of a friend cant compete with the unwanted feelings rising up in her gut,
she is shaking
and sweating,
her heart is churning and turning cold and slightly black,
as she is tormented by the conflicts of her mind...
she waits.
patiently,
for it to all pass by...

2010-10-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

so whisper sweetly in my ear, and tell me what to do next,
because my head is in the clouds,
and i can't seem to come down.
so get these wandering thoughts out of mind,
before i loose my sight,
for i am bending, yet i will not be breaking.

2010-09-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

when all the world is a stage,
i feel like mine is crumbling to my feet...
and i want selfishly to do certain things and have the time to what my heart is longing to do,
and it is the people that hold me close but it isnt the place.

as this darkness creeps up and swallows me whole,
all thats left is the big screen to tell you whats next,
so look to the stage,
because i am unaware,
as i slowly fade into the middle of nowhere.

2010-09-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

to be here in this single space again, is worthy of a thousand words as i sit and twirl my fingers through my hair...the film unveils itself over time and cups of coffee,
as the concepts begin to brew in my head,
this life, this talent,
this beauty..
its perfectly not my own.

2010-08-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

to be blessed is possibly an understatement.

our four season house

2010-06-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

as the snow falls gently covering up our footsteps from the driveway to the porch,
you put your hand in mine and we wander inside,
the rug beckons for our boots, and the coat rack adorns our latest puffy jackets and scarves,
the night sky cries out for a fire and glasses of wine,
cuddle me close in warm plaid blankets.

spring rolls in and little pink blossoms bud on the barren trees out our front window,
as the frost melts away from the roof, we throw on our running clothes and take a jog,
laughing along the way and taking in the fresh air,
the sun shines brightly and the breeze is refreshingly perfect,
picnics on our porch, lemonade and sweet tea always in the fridge.

summer brings on the brightest amount of sunlight shining through our huge windows in the kitchen,
as i sit on the island in the middle and you cook a late morning breakfast,
and smile at me from time to time as i drink my coffee and check the latest online updates,
then it is sangria in the backyard, out by our pool,
as the sun kisses our skin, in the heat of the day.

fall rushes in with gusts of wind and colored leaves flutter to the ground,
we rake the front yard together and act like ten year olds again,
evening walks, and cute cardigans, this is one of my favorite seasons,
so romantic, you sweep me off my feet, and take me into town,
for an evening if memories and warmth.

over the past whirlwind of seasons,
you havent failed to hold my hand through it all
and have blessed me with sweet forehead kisses.
and in between seasons, vacations existed,
from beaches to backpacking,
we have seen plenty,
but nothing compares,
to our sweet house that is more than just that,
its a place where memories are made
and where all the seasons are seen,
its our home, together.

honeymoon stage, over.

2010-06-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

and she sits all morning waiting for just one call,
a line with his voice linger softly,
but the call never comes....
her day drags by, and she is caught in a tangle of lies,
and questions reality,
will he stay or will he go?
and when these questions meet her answers,
she is left scared and still waiting,
as the sports channels play,
game after game,
she is caught up in a dream,
with sweet tea in hand,
she drinks the next few hours away,
and 3 months have gone by
and this is when it all wears off,
it gets real,
and the days get hard,
as she still waits,
after river dates,
and dinner time,
the night sky reigns,
then finally a sound, but only in passing,
and time continues to remain
as a backdrop in her brain,
whats left of this moment,
just frustration.

so please let them make it past this piece of time,
please let them work this out.

vantage point

2010-06-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

there's an undeniable feeling shaking at my finger tips,
it sits in f stops and shutter speeds,
and when the perfect shot comes my way
accomplishment rushes through my bones,
and joy fills my face.

2010-06-15T05:22:00.000-07:00

to be caught up in each other is a beautiful thing.
these thoughts are so far away...
but i can't wait.

I LOVE...

2010-05-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

the way your eyes light up when you are proud,
the smile that breaches your face when something cute happens,
that you have never left my side,
getting to see you grow in Christ,
your maturity,
your perseverance,
your shoulders,
your strong hands,
the way your hand fits perfectly around mine,
the little kisses you give my forehead in public,
the feeling i get, knowing, i am yours,
it when you wrap your arms around my waist while i am looking in the mirror,
your sensitive side, that only i get to see,
the way you pursue me,
that you know me so well,
your decisiveness, and the fact that you are getting better at it,
your stability,
that you are levelheaded,
that you are grounded,
the feelings i get when you hold me close,
hearing your heartbeat,
seeing your face when i roll over in the morning,
feeling the calluses on your hands,
watching you interact with kids,
your love for sports,
when you wear your boots,
the way you look in jeans,
that i am comfortable around you,
that i don't have to fake it with you,
your support,
your phone calls,
your sweet words of encouragement,
your spontaneous side,
wrestling,
trying to take you out with every bit of strength i have,
your thoughtfulness,
your lips as they graze mine,
feeling your warm hands on the small of my back,
your surprises for me,
your sense of humor,
your laughter, its so awesome and contagious,
our walks together,
our countless conversation,
your leadership,
it when you ask me questions that make me think,
when you challenge me,
your aspirations,
watching sports while curled up with you,
going places with you,
looking you right in the eye when you tell me something,
when you brush my hair out of my face,
the look you get when you hold onto my fingers and gaze deeply into my eyes,

most of all that youre my best friend, forever and always.

i love that you are placed so perfectly in my life that niether you nor i can take credit for it.
i love you.

I PROMISE TO...

2010-05-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

look you in the eyes and tell you the truth,
never look in a tempting direction,
keep my eyes on Christ first and foremost.
hold your hand, always,
hold you when you need to be held,
fit perfectly in the nook, also known as, your shoulder,
kiss you sweetly,
compliment you,
encourage you,
speak words of courage and strength into you,
pray for wisdom and leadership for you,
be slow to get angry,
talk things out when they aren't easy,
not argue based on impulse,
not run from you,
support you, no matter what,
stand in your corner and defend you,
take your opinions into consideration,
listen to every word that rolls off your tongue,
not get sidetracked easily,
thank you,
go through life, next to you, not behind or in front of you,
get better at my cooking,
reassure you and affirm you,
care for you,
go on adventures with you,
travel with you,
never miss out on making a memory together,
dance with you, even though i am not the greatest,
give almost anything a chance,
not jump too far ahead,
be strong when you can't be,
be a shoulder you can cry and a hand you can hold,
only be a phone call away, no matter how many miles separate us,
pray for you without ceasing,
always be thankful for our blessings,
grow closer to Christ through our relationship,
love people together,
glorify Christ with you,
worship alongside you,
let go of my past,
heal,
drop my baggage at the door,
embrace you, consistently,
hold you accountable,
never make our relationship a one way street,
put forth every bit of effort that i have,
not pressure you,
take you as you are, despite your past,

most of all, be your best friend,
always be there for you,
and...

I promise to not waiver in my love for you.

butterflies in a jar

2010-05-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

all i can think is everything i feel,
the butterflies stay bottled up in tiny jars,
everytime i come around,
the excitement hits me all over again...

it seems like we have been dating for years
but in fact its the opposite,
and yet the word committment, no longer freaks me out,
or leaves me filling empty,
its crazy how one person can change that in me...

i have let you in, and asked you to be gentle,
and i have yet to be let down,
the hard times will come and go,
and we will cling steadfastly to the moments of joy...

i fit perfectly in this nook that was being shaped for me,
and your arms will never let go of me,
comfort and safety is why i stay.

so we will live for each moment we have,
and not get carried away in a future so far away,
but can't help but let a few butterflies wander ahead of us.

dreams minus details

2010-05-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

a best friend and a boyfriend,
a dream in the car,
the snapshots of their life were laid out,
with little pieces still unknown...

the first was the next few years and the dates all aligned to make her feel beautiful,
and appreciated, late night walks under shining street lights,
tears and kisses in the dark
and early mornings of sun rays coming through the curtains,
reflecting off of her blonde hair and pale skin.

the second was the happiest moment of her life,
an engagement that was a long time in the making,
her best friend down on one knee, and the rest is up to him,
all a blur with friends gathered around a living room late at night,
telling stories of how they met and the love they shared,
while she sat hand in hand with him,
gazing down at her fingers that were intertwined,
for now and forever.

the third was the night of the greatest day of her life,
her best friend at the end of a long walkway,
her girlfriends in the most gorgeous of dresses, holding bouquets of her favorite flowers,
his friends were all suited up, with smiles on their faces, sharing the same joy he had,
the white dress was the one she once wore in her dream,
consumed in this moment,
she was stunning,
with her tousled hair pulled softly back to the side, adorned with a white flower,
all she could think about was the life behind her and ahead of her,
she was marrying her best friend,
at this thought, tears welled up in her eyes,
she caught a glimpse of how much she is loved,
he took her hand, just like he had a few years ago,
and said i do.
surrounded by everyone that adored them together,
they danced and laughed the rest of the night away,
with glasses of wine and champagne, they toasted
about what is to come.

the fourth was an adventure, moving from one place to another,
and being a free couple together,
seeing things that neither had seen,
photographing every moment,
opening her coffee shop with him smiling at her,
because of all that she accomplished over the past years.

the last snapshot was of the house that was built just for them,
in the middle of a breathtaking landscape,
sat a house of decent size with windows and stone,
and a large porch,
where she could sit and drink her morning cup of coffee,
and their dog would sprawl out, begging for a morning walk,
the color of the door is still undecided,
but the kitchen became one of her favorite places to be,
from the granite to the island in the middle,
it was so welcoming,
and she put her cooking to the test,
often times theyd stay up late and he would tell her she is beautiful
while she is covered in suds from dirty dishes,
she would look up at him with her big green eyes and kiss him,
and he would take her hand,
and slowly dance with her on the tile floor,
her other favorite place was her studio, that he made sure she had,
that was another promise he kept to her,
she would get up in the middle of the night, just to paint,
and watch the sunrise out the enormous window in front of her,
as she captured what she saw with her hands,
he would wake up for work and find her covered in colors,
and then he would kiss her on the forehead and tell her to get some sleep,
as he walked out the door, he smiled, because he saw things in her that she failed to see in herself,
and his best friend was finally his permanent roommate...

whats left

2010-05-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

and the tears will continue to stain her little red dress,
as the smudged lipstick and ruined mascara remain on her face,
she is alone,
with her mistaken identity,
covered up by things that were once something,
and you took all you wanted
and left her there,
to be buried by other piles of things
to be taken away from who she was.

now what is left,
what remains of this girl that wore white dresses?

she adorns the gold and flashy things,
and slips back in the little red dress,
to take what is left,
the tiniest amount of love is thrown together with missing pieces,
and her time of healing is fast approaching.

dumb.

2010-05-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

why do i sit here so inspired yet trapped
why i am confined to this corner with the long table and the over hanging lights,

my mind is running as fast as my feet can carry this slender frame,
and i am full speed ahead to a dream that has taken flight...

a book and a coffee shop sit in limbo,
in my mind everything would be splendid if..
i had a tattoo, a business to call my own,
a photography gallery with the occasional graffiti showing,
a project that takes me to the moon and back....
and a book that carries all my writing.
yes wouldnt that be splendid...
and maybe a vacation getaway with a certain someone...
with a little house and a big porch
and toes near the sand
with sangria in my hand.

but no..
i am still trapped to this corner.
but you know its funny the people you will meet
that come into a whirlwind of fascination...
and bring you crashing down into the reality
that you are still sitting in a coffee shop,
just daydreaming and slaving over...
books and books of photographers
in order to bring together
every bit of knowledge
for one ten page final.

2010-05-08T14:19:00.001-07:00

and one day all of these memories will be pasted in a book followed by pictures on the opposite page,
itll categorize my life.

f8-me; f9-you

2010-04-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

why can't I forget the mistakes?
my mind tends to play tricks, clips and movie stills
like some weird cinema event,
starring last april,
yet it is vague because those days were lived out with blurred vision, but when I see you around or hear your voice down the long hallways--all i can think of are...
the swords on the wall,
crosswalks at midnight,
the tattoo studio
and the art that it gave you,
tight jeans, leather jackets,
and late nights followed by early morning breezes
blowing softly over bare skin through the open window.

And what other girl gave you nights like these ones you cherished.
after hours of sketches and blackened dirty hands--we found comfort in cold sheets that were warmed by two bodies. we would wake up and debate trudging to class, because there we were strangers, where we carried the title of seat numbers and fake labels, F8 and F9 is what we clung to and bailed at the thought of it being anything more.
there will forever be an imprint on my mind of what monday and wednesday nights consisted of,
in which F8 would meet F9 in a comfy set of old chairs in a garage with smoke billowing from two pairs of lips that often just wanted to collide and freeze time.

little did we know--the late nights would end, the day would embrace and the sunlight would erase the night before...
Summer came...and failed to speak after that,
but were constantly reminded of our late nights by the subtlities of red chairs in class stadium seating or the smell of charcoal on my artist jeans.

so why can't i escape these thoughts?!
maybe it's because you called me, "babe"
and i gave you something that i can never get back.
i'd love to look at last april and be clean or maybe proud,
but why be proud when all that is left is a blurry memory surrounded by haze,
a memory that never should have been.
so stop showing up as a bad movie in my mind, because i am no longer the girl you saw me to be in those moments,

i am more than porcelain skin and a pair of jeans,
say what you want but everyone still knows,
i will forever remain as your muse.

progress coffee

2010-04-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

homemade blueberry scone softly crumbles in my hands
as the latest fad walks in and out of the glass door,
this experience is unlike the others,
why? i can't seem to figure it out,
what is is about the girl with black nail polish and curly hair?
what is it about the boy with long blonde hair and a plaid shirt
or the girl with a mohawk in the corner with the bald tattoo guy?

my iced coffee hits my cold lips perfectly as the sun beats down
i am caught up in this moment,
with a book and a camera,
the epitome of simplicity,
I daydream.

i almost figured out this time that seems to freeze as i think about it,
i wanna capture the smile on the face of the brunette with dreadlocks,
i want to bring permanence to the stories the people here carry.
maybe thats where the passion for frame by frame living came from...
the idea that i can give anything beauty with a simple click,
and a fast or slow shutter, with a possible zoom lens,
well...all of that takes my breath away.

a rambling jigsaw

2010-04-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

and its like a jigsaw puzzle waiting to be assembled,

all the pieces wait floating around in my head

waiting until this day ends.

why is it a cluster of things,

and will it ever fit together...

i can't let my dreams or my over-analyzations beat me to my own future.

so grab my hand and slow me down to the present,

bring me back to reality.

i need you to catch me, but don't clip my wings

because i crave the freedom of the adventure placed before me...

sometimes i am too fickle for my own good,

because my heart wants one thing

my body another

and my mind a third

its this complex triangle

awaiting to align.

so come back and tackle me

and then go away again,

this time for longer than before,

most likely to never return.

lets collide in the middle of july,

and then leave the rubble there.

and last semester the ballgame was different

and the stage was set all wrong

and the star of the show kept missing.

so point me in the right direction,

and show me where to go.

because i cant stop this rambling of one liners,

in this great big jigsaw.

crack the shutters-snow patrol

2010-04-20T18:40:00.000-07:00

ou cool your bed-warm hands down on the broken radiator,
And when you lay them freezing on me, I mumble "can you wake me later?"
But I don't really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn't stop you
And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember
Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers
And in a naked slumber, I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

the daylight wants you

2010-04-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

and this song is on repeat as it covers me in its beauty of sound and words

as it wraps its lyrics around my body like tangled sheets in the morning,

it reminds me of waking up next to you,

when the curtains let loose the brightness of the sun

as it flows in to find two bodies,

fighting the morning, and asking it to come back later.

2010-04-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

let the rain fall i dont care,

i am yours and suddenly youre mine.

carpio

2010-04-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

and the comforts of this moment could never compare to the warm cups of Costa Rican coffee

and wooden benches....

half of my heart is left in a country that doesn't speak my language,

full of kids that weigh so heavy, like the latest burden,

but this is more serious than those that are my own

this is a selfless feeling in the pit of my stomach

that i can escape,

no matter how hard or far i run,

for some reason my heart is stricken for this country,

that i thought was consumed by beautiful beaches and tourists,

man, was i ever wrong,

its the ticos that will show you the greatest simple love,

and warm your heart,

its the perfect display of God's amazing works,

the possibilities before them seem so endless

in this place,

until the tears well up in my eyes and i realize they are gone again.

Carpio, Costa Rica,

you will forever...

have a part of me.

morning person in the making

2010-04-11T09:10:00.001-07:00

and the perfect morning will go as follows..

a kiss from you on my forehead,

and then my shoulders,

as my blonde hair falls beautifully over my neck,

i can feel your hand, softly intertwined with mine,

as the smell of coffee fills the air,

i know i am home,

music starts to fill my ears,

and my sleepy eyes open

to find you at my side,

and our dog,

waiting impatiently for his morning walk,

cups of coffee and a kitchen table,

with the paper and the latest overnight blog update,

sitting, calling for my attention,

as i laugh at my morning routine,

and you stare at me quietly in admiration,

empty cups, and lingering aromas,

leash in one hand,

yours in the other,

as the three of us take

our morning walk...

and talk of the days

and countless perfect mornings to come...

four flights of stairs

2010-04-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

i wake up early to leave late,

and the studio doors never lock,

the gallery will always be open,

i get the most satisfaction

out of all nighters

and early mornings here,

beautiful prints

and rainy days

painted hands

and stained aprons

splashes of creativity,

beckon for my eyes to see it,

the hallways are long,

and slightly daunting,

yet they cry out my name on a daily basis,

every minute spent here,

is worth it,

when my art makes it on a white washed wall,

my sense of accomplishment

hits an all time high,

and i walk out of the glass doors for the first time

and i embrace the sunlight...

all that is left before me is a world

waiting for its beauty to be captured

by a single lens,

in front of a single eye,

in a set of hands.

from your princess

2010-04-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

the perfect day has been laid out,

with a camera in my hand

snapping every moment

of the beautfiul weather provided for us,

with the smell of beer and sunflowerseeds

we wait at the game behind home plate,

my hand resting perfectly in yours...

this is the start to a gorgeous thing,

shouts and loud fans and some bright sun,

crushed by the score board screaming 13 to 6,

we head out for round two,

to a gallery in a run down town,

we wait at the door

for the purple shirted boy to let us in

wandering the halls and rows of photos,

i catch you,

so enthralled with some kind of beauty

that i dont seem to see...

from there the adventure continues

to a private spot in the upstairs of a coffee shop,

with trees and intimate things,

you sit waiting on my to share my passions,

your face says it all,

the smile in your eyes makes me believe

i am worth every minute of your time...

prints and photographs strewn all over the table,

craving for an explanation,

and every word that flows from my lips do them justice,

from there to chinatown,

laughter and food made perfectly for my appitie,

hands to hold and kisses for my lips,

we go on,

sand volleyball and sweat,

this day is getting better, and better,

with every part of my being,

i am captivated,

by this guy that is my best friend,

later that night,

its a couch for cuddling

and cups of wine,

followed by a late night walk around this block,

that we have wandered around plenty of times,

where tears have been shed,

and love has been conveyed,

i walk clutching your hand in mine,

never wanting to let go,

as my darkest secrets roll off my tongue

and tears come streaming,

you hold me,

and reassure that i am without blemish in your eyes,

this moment will mark the beginning,

as you ask a question that i anticipated,

and with a huge goofy smile,

my best friend becomes my boyfriend,

and this perfect day marks the end of my past

and the beginning of our future,

so here's my trust in this little jar,

and here's my heart in the other,

don't let any of them go.

2010-04-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

and you dont know this...

but your letter will remain...

in my hands,

in my back pocket,

in my jacket pocket,

in my backpack,

in my car,

on my fridge,

and in my heart,

until you return for me.

there could never be another

2010-03-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

where'd all this sweetness come from, best friend?

this caring soul you posses is shining through

and a smile cant help but breach my face,

your perseverance is impeccable,

as you chase me around from year to year

and not an angry frown as controlled your thoughts,

country music, boots, and dancing in the kitchen,

is something i hated before you swept me off my feet,

and these moments make me joyful,

and not just happy temporarily.

i have burnt the bridges in my past

and left that baggage on the last plane,

ready and willing to embark on the next adventure,

so please be patient, as you care for me,

because i am not quick to accept it,

you have the boys from before to thank for my callused heart.

so read my expression of love,

and take it as a grain of salt,

because this isnt easy for me

as you soften my heart

and lead me,

i cant help but be grateful

for such a beautiful thing.

best friend,

thanks for never permanently leaving my side,

through thick and thin,

youre the only guy that has picked up all the broken pieces,

stringing them back together isn't going to be easy,

but you will have some help,

so don't let go when it gets rough,

because thats what the others did,

don't lead me into darkness,

because i am giving you my trust,

get ready,

you might want to buckle up,

this adventure appears to be a long one,

filled with beautiful stops and time to smell the flowers.

the rushes

2010-03-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

the tiny white flowers set the contrast in her wavy locks of blonde, the white beauties entangle themselves softly, kind of like those sweet images of warm coffee on cold mornings, the little tidbits of the day get lost in the files of the major events.

her face is better left to the rays of the sun, tan from the hours spent outside...with the light hitting her just so perfectly her weary eyes start to gleam.

her heart is so soft and full of love, and tends to hurt whenever anyone around her is hurting, for this is a beautiful thing for her, because she used to sit cold and numb to the thoughts and the feeling of others.

the emptiness is deeply dwelling in her depths as she is waiting for it to disappear,

but the longer the days the more it stays.

she is just sitting, no longer in the sun,

watching the subway pass her by and the world rush on.

mold me

2010-03-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

my heart is melting at your feet like hot wax from the candle on the table,

and my eyes are greener than ever with a shiny glaze from the warm tears that turned cold at the end of my cheeks.

these words flowing from my mouth were once lies you fed but its truth i am throwing back at you.

i am lonely on this day of sunshine, because you always bring the gray.

swing me around

2010-03-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

the little black dress with the ruffles

and his paisley purple shirt and silly hand woven tie,

they were insepreable from summer to summer,

and now that has brought them together again

for this celebration of love and life,

tuxes and a white dress,

bouquets of flowers and rows of guests.

the paisley and black dress couple join in with the rows,

with smiles of excitement on their faces,

the ceremony takes place

and legs get restless.

round tables and catered food,

cakes and drinks,

laughter and...

the best part of all, dancing.

single ladies and goofy boys,

mother-son, father-daughter,

these moments create lasting memories.

the girl in black and the boy in purple..

take their place amongst the others,

hand in hand,

close enough to feel each other's breath,

the gaze and the smile never go away,

the only advice he has for her and her klumsy feet...

"just dont stop spinning"

the thoughts of vomit cross her mind,

but she is so captivated by their dancing that it all disappears,

and the crowd stares deep down to the depths of their chemistry

that keeps bubbling over and onto the floor.

her date's paisley print embrace is perfect

as the night ends with sparklers and run throughs.

hold me like the setting sun

2010-02-27T21:47:00.000-08:00

and i lay this out simple and clear for the last time--

i want to be pursued in the most gorgeous of ways

i want to be cherished as your princess

i want there to not be a night where i go to bed with frustration

i want you to encourage me, not bring me down

i want to run the race of life next to you-not behind or in front of you.

i want to travel the world and live out the greatest of dreams with our fingers intertwined

i don't want to settle

i don't want to be left helpless, hopeless, and angry.

i want you on my team and i don't want you to drop the ball

i want you fighting for me, not with me.

i want you to stand up for me

i want songs of love and laughter.

i want smiles on everyone's faces when they see us together,

i want a love of no envy but of joy,

i want porch swing time in the morning with mugs of coffee,

i want vulnerability not wall building

i want to learn from you without knowing that its happening

i want to hurt when you hurt and vice versa

i want to change the world, together

i don't want bad choices and regret

i want decisions with effective results.

i want you to see me and believe that i am meant for you.

i don't want you to cling to the past but instead look at the future.

i want my family to love you

i want your family to love me.

most of all--i want you to love the LORD before you love me.

i want you to lead me because you want to do what is best for me.

i want you to have our best interest at heart.

so am i asking too much or too little?

and am i looking of the right things?

the answer to this is...

that i deserve everything i ask for.

and that no, you will not be perfect, and yes there will be long days

and yes there will be frustrations, but when the sun sets and we cuddled close,

at least we can rest in the fact that the Lord is in control and we are not,

and that He gave us everything we could both ask for.

so i will stop searching

and i will stop settling

and i will wait patiently on what He has in store for me,

because he knows my hearts desires and He ultimately has my best interests in mind,

even when i fail to see it.

2010-02-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

carrying your Bible in your backpack doesn't make you a Christian.

2010-02-23T16:11:00.000-08:00

this finger where your ring used to be, definitely doesnt feel the same, until another is put there,

one that is from a guy with so much love and less control.

four years down the drain, watch it catch everything as it washes down.

a letter to a lover

2010-02-21T21:57:00.000-08:00

dear you.

you know who you are as you read this little letter of love.

this letter that keeps sitting in my mind, that resonates on tiny neon index cards,

while you keep busy in london.

the past weeks of your journey have left me back home,

and this letter are all the words that i cant seem to just let go.

so ill sit here and pour my heart on this slip of paper, that will make its way to you,

where you will find what i have been hiding.

you are....the epitome of something great.

and your daily letters captured me from my heart.

you encompass every feeling of love, and that was all real.

the joy that we filled each other with was not from this world,

leaving us so euphoric, our feet cant touch the ground.

your hand literally fit the most perfectly, as our fingers would always intertwine.

i never thought i love you would come so quickly out of my mouth,

but that is what i felt, as i let my heart do the talking this time around.

so thank you for the overwhelming flow of encouragement--

the tiny words of beauty that you poured over me will continue to renew my spirits.

your smile and my eyes, we would get caught up in moments,

where time, most likely, really did STOP.

you created the ideal way to love me and you dont even know it.

there are hiccups along the way and hesitations,

but you ease my fears, while the moonlight soaks up the lake.

car rides and jam sessions, you loved the way my blonde hair was free, every second.

the way your eyes rest on me, is something so unseen,

it blows others away.

there is love in a relationship that stopped so you could take flight

and be used in gorgeous ways.

you, were not my rock in life, yet you were so dependable.

i cried when you uttered those three little words on the back porch,

that was the first time that i could feel the capacity of each syllable.

the roads go on for days, and they beckon for the tires of your car,

the cupcake stand still shines in all its glory, as i stand before it, in my purple plaid.

kisses on my forehead, on my cheeks always started as little winks.

across the room, i can still see you serving down on your knees, and that draws me in.

worship and rocks, this is what its like.

you cant seem to shake that smile on your face everytime we catch up over the computer screen, and its hard for me to still say goodbye.

so please just hold on tight, till june rolls up, and we can resume.

-me.

p.s. i loved you then, and i still love you now.

sewell

2010-02-21T21:42:00.000-08:00

there i sat, beneath the weeping willow,

with the sunlight shining onto my not yet tan skin,

today is the day i will live outside.

the rushing of the river beneath the concreted walls,

you could hear its whispers of cold joy,

the leaps from the edge, the submerging of heads,

this is what the natives live for.

surfboards, long boards,

slacklines, hammocks,

bikinis and board shorts,

laughter and music,

hoes and dude bros,

scattered around in the grass--

the sun begged us all to this one place,

on the perfect day.

and tommorrow will bring on papers,

maybe even snow, in this texas heat,

and class, yes that dreaded thing that steals our attentions.

but forever will the snapshots remain, of that perfect gathering

of every person, on that grassy hill.

black and gold

2010-02-16T22:57:00.000-08:00

tattoos, races across the street when red lights flicked to green,

hand in hand, the square at night was ours...

block after block, cold breath after the next,

and piggyback rides full of laughter.

forget the world behind,

pick me up where we left off.

literally..pick me up,

take me with you, wherever you go...

i want to be next to you, black and gold,

and goofy photos,

stares and compliments,

long hugs and jean jackets.

coffee breaks that consume my hours.

i am yours.for just alittle,

you, yes you, have captured my attention once again...

and i will not deny it.

one step at a time,

one foot in front of the other,

my hand in your pocket,

your arm around my waist--

we will walk the edges of railroad tracks,

and watch the city lights flicker and disappear...

and in that moment--we were infinite,

black and gold, black and gold.

the red cliches

2010-02-14T09:19:00.000-08:00

and the road is black before her, with yellow squares and lines making their existence known by glittering in the street. hot tears roll down her cheeks as her tires hug the pavement at 80 mph.curve around curve and every straightaway before her...
its the night before valentine's day, and she cant seem to shake these thoughts, from before and theses dreams of one day.

the past lays out these ideas to marry your best friend,the orangey yellow and red roses in a huge bouquet, and the black card to avoid the red cliches, that was my favorite moment.and will remain there in the files of my brain, with dried up roses and the card that i still carry to this day.

the future lays in the darkness before her, with one across the world, and one in her car, and one with his career, choices sit all around and we all know that she will run from all three, and take her tattered wings and believe.

but this you will see is the most beautiful of all three, because she is free.

and yes every choice she leaves behind, will follow her, until they are crawling on their knees,
and she will be strong, although she wants at least one, in the end its better to gain none of them.

and the red cliches will remain, in that black card,the card she will hold tight, waiting for her best friend to find her, but she knows that day will come, and every fight will be worth it, and every choice left behind will disappear.

on the tube

2010-02-11T21:48:00.000-08:00

the great london air, catches your breath and holds it there, like smoke from the end of a cigarette. i am on your mind like that girl with a black barrette. she sits next to you as the underground motion picture speeds by. you take in her scent, and its the same one you smelled before,your brain holds onto it, you are captured by it, but not because its this girl...

this puzzled look breaches on your face, and you are left with an image.

the same image, the same smell from the first night we met.

and youre six hours ahead in the future, where it snows more than i can imagine,

yet i havent left your mind, it still holds me tight,

while your body does the walking, your mind is somewhere else,

and every possible way to get me to where you are crosses through it.

settle for the best

2010-01-30T10:58:00.000-08:00

her white dress no longer fits this scene.

the hired photographer couldnt capture this detail

of her sad face reflecting in his brass buttons,

she lays her brunette head on an empty bed,

as the hot tears stream down her made-up face,

her loose hair falls out of its bobby pinned bun,

and she doesn't want to think back

to the moments when he promised her the forevers.

but her mind doesn't let her stop the thoughts,

that come flooding in, she settled for the second best,

and her best is out there, wondering without her,

she did this for comfort,

and now all she wants to do is find her best.

her weary eyes open, and she no longer hesitates,

she grabs her red coat and yells for a taxi,

mascara and tid-bits of the night still rest on her face,

but she must find him, he is waiting for her.

his laughter can be heard around the world,

and his warmth can be felt from where she is,

she searches for days, worn and exhausted,

the date tells of the time 4 years ago when they met,

as she finds herself under the biggest tower in Paris,

the hot tears well up, as a warm hand catches the first one to fall,

her green eyes glisten as he looks at her,

he is her best, no ring to tie him to another girl,

as he takes her delicate hand in his and places the shiniest thing on that one finger,

he is hers, and he will keep his promises of forever.

camera obscura

2010-01-26T11:18:00.000-08:00

dark room,

oh how you beckon my mind,

to come closer and be in the presence of orangey red rays.

it's me and this paper,

full of imagination and peacock feathers,

it is here that i dream.

deep breath,

let the smell envelop your senses,

with the sound of the soft running water,

and the cleansing view of prints,

it is here that i find serenity.

quiet footsteps,

little whispers of reassurance,

blonde ponytail,gray painted nails,

ripped jeans and tie dye shirts,

it is here that i find contentment.

black and white,

shapes of greatness,

moments of peace,

glossy finishes,

it is here that i find beauty

2010-01-16T08:45:00.000-08:00

dear costa rica, you have my heart.i'll be back to get it later.love,erika

just last a year

2009-12-28T21:49:00.000-08:00

2009.it brought:

laugher.change.love.

couchtime cries.and loss of friends.

deep connections and hippies.

brand new and thrice on halloween.

a new year and awkward beginning.

fake smiles and depressed days.

rocky relationships and steadfast ones.

you in spain, me in the states.

living and giving.

loss of time and death of lives.

a wedding and a funeral, or two.

a pregnant cousin.

art class, and bio classes.

late nights and cold mornings.

coffee and skipping class.

a house with better roommates.

homemade dinners and leftovers.

a fridge and a stove

a master bedroom and a wall of records.

a ten day roadtrip:DC,NYC,Penn,Nashville, Memphis.

the smithsonian and jefferson.

graceland and horse parks.

hottest of summers and the worst of partnerships.

its always sunny in philadelphia

late night drives and travel mugs

wimberley and younglife.

GOD and nature walks.

conversations constant.

beautiful days and beautiful conversations.

tattooed friends and grander thoughts.

ethics and anthropology.

a greater calling to costa.

and questions about love.

the ability to feel,

without you.

last year at pinecove.

high schoolers with big hearts,

willing to embrace mine.

cookies and burning them.

sigma chi's and the loss of them.

friends, better ones.

gatherings and bonfires.

camping and kerbey lane.

getting lost and getting a gps.

purple plaid and purple cardigans,

and hope for a new brighter, better, beautiful year.

2010.

beauty in the blurry

2009-12-20T21:49:00.000-08:00

the glass sliding doors opened and people were waiting, with an old man singing the same five christmas carols on karaoke. i am wearing a beautiful scarf around my neck and my favorite purple cardigan. scanning the crowd for some sign of you. i don't seem to blend, in fact, they thought i was from the royal dutch airlines, as if i had the answers to the delayed flight and the lack of ability to get through customs, but instead i took my place among them with the same puzzled look.

soon enough you'd come for me, i knew it.

you make your way through the rows of people to find me in the center, as everyone turned to face me, i jumped into your arms, and found home right there. every face lit up and cheers and clapping erupted.with a cigarette in your hand to cope with your worldly travels, we drive off.

soon enough, we'd find ourselves somewhere else.

as the door of 1610 astor place opened, your family greeted us with huge and warmth. the kind of warmth that yeager brings to your throat as it goes down. it was a party that moved fast like the beat of your favorite classical song, quick and painless.blue dixie cups posed less of a problem when filled with the sangria your mom always makes, with the orange slices, the colors fit perfectly in the cup and in my mouth. cup after cup. rum and coke. sweet tea vodka with lemonade.it was one after the other as my thoughts took flight and my laughter kept me grounded.each drink was taken with class and with that followed the pictures.outside it was cold, so crisp you could breathe out smoke.as family members left, and the few in their twenties held onto the party till the sun started to rise.

soon enough, my laughing would be too much.

i reached the bed in the corner, just in time to burst into giggles, with the realization that i was indeed exhausted.i crawled in with plaid pjs and passed out.being held and tucked in by you, was something i had left far behind in the summer.but love, oh how i missed you.

as we woke up the next morning i tried to string each thought together, as if i were sewing a quilt of memories, only to realize, that my memories were a blur, a blur of colors, a blur of emotions, and thoughts.

last night was simply...

a beautiful blur.

2009-12-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

and when i have my own place,

ill have pre-wrapped fortune cookies sitting in a clear jar on my bar,

and you must add "in bed" after everyone you read out loud.

to:grace

2009-12-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

dear beautiful,

your smile radiates, even when you are let down,by everyone in your family.

you are quick to forgive and that is why i love you the most.

you are abused, and taken advantage of, yet you love more than before with open arms.

your name, it fits you perfectly,grace.

you give and give and give, even when you cant anymore.

you are 6 years younger than me, but you have taught me more about life in three months than I have learned in the past year.thank you.

if i were older, i'd take you away from them.

they wouldn't be able to physically or mentally hurt you,

or use you the way they do.

I'd protect you from the uncertain,

I'd adopt you as my own,

and love you just the same.

guard your heart little girl,

and hold on tight.

if i could tell you one thing...

its that you are created for something far greater than what the world has thrown at you so far.

love.

revelry

2009-11-18T22:28:00.000-08:00

so take it, and dig it deeper, kid

more harsh than before like the bitter wind.

let me paint you this picture,

with the colors from my heart,

and every lost hope,

laying somewhere in the gravel road.

summer faded its way finally into fall.

and i got caught up in it all.

the leaves were the warmth,

like your favorite red shirt.

as you sat me down in my car,

and fed me lies.

coffee soothed me, more than you ever could.

i want to believe you,

i want to feel what was there,

on those summer days.

but its too late.

the package marked this side up, carried my heart,

the one you kicked out of your car,

the one that landed on the curb,

and waited in the rain.

you returned occasionally,

looking down at its familiar brown wrapping,

trying to find the memory,

of why it still laid in the street.

yet you didnt pick it up.

revelry caught the corners of your eyes,

as something new glittered

on the other side of the world, you boarded a plane,

and left the box, you once kept with you always.

right under the flap,was a note,sealed with a piece of twine,

and lightly scribbled it said,

"for you, i am fragile,

do your best to not break me"

water in lungs

2009-11-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

toss and turn day and night,

these thoughts were not my own

haunted by something deeper than which can be explained.

on the outside, perfection resonated.

the sweat dripps from her brow as if she had worked so hard o get here

when in fact inside she was aching with nervousness.

you, the boy, have taken her on twists and turns around the world.

she followed you around every corner, to just get a taste of freedom.

and you left her, in the darkness,

and ran for the brilliant tiny light that shined in the distance,

only to find, it was a firefly that would leave you empty.

you turn around, and reach out your hand,

but all there is, is darkness.

she is there searching for you,

her best friend.and you are nowhere to be seen.

she falls to her knees as her heart aches within her chest,

and tears come like rain.

you left her here, to burn.

to feel every pain she has ever had,

all alone.

you LEFT her.

she poured out to you,

and you left her.

she is alone.

suddenly she is choking,

on the water that is gathering,

in her lungs.

she is too weak to handle one more thing,

as she tries to be strong in the darkness.

the fireflies didn't come for her,

and you quit looking, a week ago.

she waits, impatiently for you to come back to her,

yet you never find her.

she starts to crawl on her hands and knees,

weary from the water in her lungs,

she has wounds opening

and scars forming.

she is confused as she tries to find a way out on her own.

you have no remorse,

no sad piece in your heart for the pain you just left on her.

you LEFT her, alone.

she finds the light by herself,

with bloody palms,

you welcome her in.

time has flown by,

yet she stands on your doorstep,

with more vulnerability than before.

she walks in and falls down,

just like before,

yet this time she is hoping to see your hand.

I am waiting to see your hand, reach out,

and engulf me, just tell me this will all be ok.

pour a little salt we were never here

2009-11-11T07:14:00.000-08:00

dear attractive boy,

the way you welcomed me in

convinced me i was yours,

and only yours.

days come slower than they did before,

and every hour we have spent full of laughter.

late night drives, and coffee mugs.

loud music and beautiful concerts,

two hands made warm in the cold.

two hearts left abandoned by other lovers,

now find peace in each others pain.

friends we were before, and friends we will remain after.

walls were built around the city

a city of our love.

distance became defense,

and we created unfair thoughts.

the way it used to be is missed,

and what happens when my lover returns.

do we pretend to last a year?

or do we pour a little salt like we were never here?

yours,

the hippie

2009-11-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

dear pretty girl,

your cries are beautiful

just like the porcelain face God has gifted you with.

your screams breaks my heart,

just like its cracking yours.

your tears have fallen on the hearts of many,

and yet your heart is cold

just like your fingers in the winter.

you have faded into the background of the muted gray wall.

your hands are all i see,

searching for a savior,

something to capture your heart and take it away.

as your palms grow sweaty,

and your stomach reaches your throat

you choke

on the bit of poetry beckoning to escape,

and its all behind your teeth,

steered by your tongue,

that cant seem to connect with your feelings.

girl you are made anew in something far greater than yourself

start reaching instead of clinching your fists,

let your heart explode with love in your chest.

you are shining on this wall of white,

no longer a shade of the coffin,

you dug for yourself.

Christ has found you,

rescued from the pit you doomed yourself to.

be aware that your thoughts are not your own,

and your identity isnt found in others,

stop searching and know that you are loved

and created for a purpose beyond what you can wrap your mind around.

love,

your friend.

2009-10-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

the ocean lays out before me and i can feel it catching my toes

and grabbing at my ankles,

its greeeeeeen,

a deep shade that flows over me,

and chokes me,

as i try to swim back to the shore,

i am caught up in this lie,

this lie that you have handed me,

and demanded that it drag me into the deep,

where the bottom makes me feel like sinking,

and its unstable.

2009-10-20T07:21:00.001-07:00

carpet beneath her, wall in front of her,

she looks out the window

trying to find the silver lining that ceases to exist,

except in her dreams.

bon iver sings to her on days like this,

as if he knew her perfectly.

the last seven days have been spent with someone new,

a couch made of leather is cold like her soul.

constant conversation over cup after cup,

these are the things she loves,

as if he got into the depths of her,

without her even knowing,

he afftects her and she fails to recognize it,

and doesnt even wnat to understand it.

2009-10-14T15:43:00.000-07:00

the fog blankets her walk,
as she searches for the warmth beneath it.
this isnt how she pictured it,
like an uprooted tree after the storm
her heart churned inside of her.
he could feel his glare searching for her
as the tears blurred her eyes
words were stuck in her throat,
not a sound came out as she waited.

2009-10-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

the lights in the gallery catch her left ring finger, as a token of his love lies there.

this was her biggest night, and with him by her side, she was perfect.

her face glowed.

the gallery cried out for spectators,

as wine and cheese was nibbled.

her art came screaming from the walls,

and asked questions,

like what is it to love?

the electric violinist played a whole set

that went beautifully with the large painting in the corner,

it told of the couples love,

with a tree and its ever changing seasons.

he stared at her with passion in his eyes.

he was the lover of her life,

they have spent every moment together since his flight landed from afar.

and they will continue to share,

and do life together,

forever.

embedded in dark purple

2009-09-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

deep dark purple resides on her fingertips,

like the skins of eggplant, stretched explicitly-

this reminds her of the days

when the window beckoned her name,

and the garden danced beneath her toes.

her right brain argued with her left,

her imagination craved to be set free.

in her mind,

the great barrier reef,

proposes a problem of color,

as she gazes over the edge,

into the darkest of waters,

soft reflections of yellow,

play games with her eyes.

in her heart,

the walls are dripping

with lines of love,

each person leaving their mark behind,

in this big city,

they just crave to manufacture an imprint.

the shadows twirl and whirl their way around this big empty room,

as she lays in the middle of the beautiful and dust coated floors,

breathing in every moment of history

that this old attic has offered her...

her eyes have seen the things at the end of the earth,

and her feet have been dipped in the oldest of seas

every inch of the floor is covered by

the letters, that lay worn, tattered and stained,

from every adventure that became reality.

bare

2009-09-28T06:40:00.000-07:00

somewhere in a city, a light is shattered and its glass lay glistening in the street.

its sharp beneath her feet, bare and tired from the days behind.

with every step she feels the pains of a lost child in a desolate land over the seas.

she hears her best friend, filling up his life with other girls in towns that want him.

he tells her its all a lie. and asks why she believes it.

she knows he is hurting, but not near as much as the cuts on the bottom of her feet.

the phone lay on the floor where it last fell.

his voice still shaking on the other end.

he cries out for her to listen, he is on his knees begging her for a chance.

but that wont happen, this moment, has been in the making for 5 years straight.

he knows she is running from thing to thing, and jumping from scene to scene.

she cant help it, its all she knows.

he lays his heart gently on her sleeve,

and she runs and lets the breeze take it away.

the wind will carry his heart to another girl in another town that needs him, because she no longer does.

the atlantic divide

2009-09-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

your ring is still on my finger,

right where you left it,

a couple of months ago.

your scent is still between my sheets

from the last time you slept here.

cold rainy days

remind me of your face,

looking for something greater.

you are now seeking and finding

to fulfill that longing,

across the atlantic.

you sing with your new guitar,

as the people nearby loan you an ear,

and toss a few crumbled pieces in the case beneath.

your old guitar sits

in the corner of my room,

beckoning for me to do something with it.

paint it, play it, use it.

i love you.

across the atlantic,

7 hours ahead,

your head rests on a pillow,

and i long to run my fingers through your hair.

your voice lingers day and night in my head,

and i miss you.

each day is closer to the end,

and these days are long without you.

and Lord i hope things get better.

you are admiring the seas,

and climbing stone steps,

breathing in the history from years before.

my cry is that you would just come back,

and sweep me off my feet,

or take me back with you.

you are miles for this moment,

as i cry out for your warmth.

across the atlantic,

i wait with a smile on face,

anxious for my love.

right here in my arms

2009-09-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

She is smiling like heaven is down on earth
Sun is shining so bright on her
And all her wishes have finally come true
And her heart is weeping.
This happiness is killing her.

She'll be right here in my arms
So in Love
She'll be right here in these arms
She can't let go

So hard she's trying
But her heart won't turn to stone... oh no
She keeps on crying
But I won't leave her alone
She'll never be alone

She'll be right here in my arms
So in Love
She'll be right here in these arms
She can't let go

And she'll be right here in my arms
So in Love
She'll be right here in these arms
She can't let go

doors.doors.doors.

2009-09-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

I was just recently approached with this beautiful,

hippie, coffee shop job, yes perfect for me? i know.

craaaaaapppy hours though, 6pm to 2 am. for a girl who has to get up at 7 everyday, this will just not do.at all.3 shifts of a week would mean no sleep.

money cannot seem to buy me sleep.

everything inside of me wanted to take this job,

but what could possibly be holding me back?

was God literally telling me NO?

the lady on the other end of the phone was not the nicest, in fact she was the pushiest most stubborn boss a girl could ask for.

yes i would meet great people.

and yes i could display my awesome art,

but at the cost of what? my grades, my sleep and my social life?

yes i wanted to prove everyone wrong.that i could do it, that i could manage life on 5 hours of sleep always.

but reality socked me in the face when i realized, NO erika this isnt the best plan, yes your body would hate you.your life would be consumed by coffee and school.

can you live with that?

the thoughts in my head were ones of: Erika why are you so lazy?

what are you doin with your time?

my mind battled itself.

i then came to the conclusion that if God really wanted me to have that job, then i would get in due time.

so i shut that door, slammed it actually,

maybe out of anger that i couldnt do something i desired from deep within.

but maybe it wasnt the best for me at this moment in time.

next thing i know.

RING RING RINNNNNNG

my phone, a random number.

what is this?!

i answer reluctantly.

and i am blessed beyond relief.

loooong storrrry short,

i have was given the beautiful opportunity to be a young life leader

at a nearby high school

Lord, why me?

i then realized this was the answer to my question,

no more laziness in your faith, Erika.

get up, get out and invest,

disciple and love.

love on kids younger than you.

so needless to say, i wont be putting money in my pockets,

i will be filling teenager's pockets with love.

how amazing is that?

look where leaning on God can take you.

which brings me to this verse, sent to me by my mother:

TRUST GOD from the bottom of your HEART,

don't try to figure out everything on your own.

LISTEN for God's voice in everything you do,everywhere you go,

He will keep you on track:) Proverbs 3:5-6

2009-09-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

from the top of my lungs i will sing,

A thousand times I've failed Still your mercy remains And should I stumble again Still I'm caught in your grace  Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control Consume me from the inside out Lord Let justice and praise become my embrace To love You from the inside out  Your will above all else, my purpose remains The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

girl in purple

2009-09-14T19:10:00.001-07:00

her black sandals have taken her through every motion, every season.

today, the puddles engulf her feet,

as the rain falls on her shoulders of her purple sweater

and her blonde hair is pulled back in a loose bun with tousled braids.

she is warmed by the coffee in her hands,

as she wanders slowly away from this moment.

my wants, not needs

2009-09-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

i wanna swim laps till i can't breathe, climb till my limbs are raw, sleep for days, wake up to rain and blueberry pancakes, cuddle under blankets with a warm drink in my two tired hands.

i wanna ride a vespa on the streets of italy, sail in greece, run in the spanish hills, paint in the studios of france, chill in amsterdam, and dip my feet in the waters of the bahamas.

i wanna make a difference, get a job-living the life i love, painting in galleries and breathing in the smell of spray paint on fresh bricks.

i want to create textiles that turn into shoes, shoes all over the world on different sets of feet.

i want to work for all kinds of people and give freely.

i want to work in a bakery were you create smiles through food and cakes of all colors.

i want to forget about the past and move forward.

i want to make beauty exist in its own way. i dont want beauty to be a face, a name but a state of feeling, a choice.

i want to play in the rain and then go inside and then warm up.

i want to sit in a cafe midday and drink wine and eat chocolate, dark chocolate.

i want to go on adventures without thinking, be spontaneous.

i want to wear cutoffs and get tattoos and piercings.

i want college to pay off.

i have too many wants.

i want to do too many things.

his heart, her sleeve

2009-09-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

hot tears fall down her cheeks

as the car ride comes to an end,

she was hiding this the whole time.

the pain inside was more than she wanted bear.

in that moment, his embrace was as alive as it was the day they met.

his red shirt resembled their love and passion,

and now her pain.

her hands were raw from the days before

and the soles of her feet were worn away.

as he hugs her,

each tear thats falls carries a memory,

of laughter and joy

that is now muted in shades of gray

as they fade into the background.

its a misunderstanding,

a door that could close,

but neither of them want it to.

it's a re-do,

a new beginning,

but why is she crying.

she cries, because he failed her once,

and she thinks he will do so again,

her expectations will get in the way,

and it will all end.

her fears are her failures.

the beginning feels like an end.

even though he assures her it isnt.

a day, 24 hours, is such a long time,

after watching him drive away.

the smell of coffee even

brings forth a tearful morning.

2009-09-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

my dream is to intern or work for TOMS.

yes please.Lord make it happen.

2009-09-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

the unexamined life is not worth living

2009-09-08T18:05:00.001-07:00

Imagine a cubicle, an office space of boredom, but this is the life you continue to live.

365 days a year, for the past 5 years, same space, smae copy machine. your life has been left unexamined. You have lived day in and day out, in a constant rotation and scheudle.

is this all you ever imagined for yourself, is this really your dream?

Leading an unexamined life is not worth living. you make the same constant mistakes.

do you ever look back and think about your actions, your experiences?

do you sit and learn nothing?

this life you lead is lame, and boring.

it says something when you can look back and take a mistake or an experience, and have emotions over it and for it. to live life without thinking about what you are doing can and may be freeing, but ultimately will leave you entangled in a lie or a mess, its chaos.

examining life is necessary to living the life you want.

to take instance and perfect them, to mold them.

as an artist, i am constantly examining my life.

and sometimes even overanalyzing.

and at the same time i overanalyze my art, thats the only to make it better

if ic onstantly created the same piiece i would stay dissatisfied.

unsatisfied. because i would be in a rut.

the only way to make somtheing better or to better understand is to ask questions and question what you have been told and what you have done.

how can you make something better if you never look at it and ask questions.

treading water.

2009-08-31T19:19:00.000-07:00

as i walked up the hill in the hot sun,

i convinced myself i was capable.

as i rounded the corner,

i peered at the tan colored, rusted building..

I walked in a room lined with lockers and showers,

i followed the hall as it winded around and spit me out.

i walked my chacos through the puddles of this large room,

and stared into the deep end.

could i really do this?

the last time i tried, i puked up strawberry poptarts.

this thing was huge, olympic size even.

lined with floating rows of gold and maroon disks.

8 lanes of hell,

from 4 feet to 20 in a matter of seconds.

i took my seat on the bleachers,

and signed form after form.

I still questioned my abilities,

and prayed hard for the strength.

the bleachers filled up

with different body types.

i hear a whistle and see a face.

and get the orders.

we all take our places,

in each of the lanes.

and as my head goes under the water,

i feel the pressure.

and i swim the laps, back and forth

and back and forth, i swim.

i tread until i cant hold my head up,

and my legs give out.

the water pours in over my head

and the fear rush in.

i get out and lose my legs,

collapsed.

the test is over,

and i survived.

the purple tank top

2009-08-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

so i am going to Costa Rica in January.

and i am sitting here, questioning every second of it.

ok maybe i am just excited.

and i am running in a 5K in a month.

why do i feel older.

i am sitting here in my purple tank top.

worrying.

and drinking black coffee on ice.

i NEVER drank in black coffee.

i also never ate onions or mushrooms before this year.

i want a job

an artsy one.

where i can take photos of people.

or paint while they watch me.

i want to not worry,

i want to just paint.

and not paint for a grade,

but paint with emotion.

frayed edges and colored skies

2009-07-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

the icy drink,

blended to perfection

is smooth as it hits her lips,

and awakens her feelings.

her thoughts are all over the place

as she soaks in the sun

and writes to a guy,

far away.

this guy, her lover,

is somewhere in the trees,

smiling at the thought

of her.

she dangles her feet

over the edge of some wood,

beaten by the weather,

the breeze catches her.

her feet swirl around

in the water beneath her.

as she thinks of him,

and the laughter he brings.

cut-offs and a deep orange V

have become her comfort today.

her blonde hair is down,

in a mess of waves.

she carries herself well,

as she walks away from the dock,

her adventure coming to an end,

as she awaits the arrival,

of her lover.

rusty and shaking

2009-05-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

the rusty bridge awaits its purpose,

as trains come and go

and rattle its insides.

the sun shines down on a family beneath,

on this gorgeous afternoon.

its the day in which we honor mothers,

and children run carefree in the grass under their feet.

wandering through the streets

of old, small towns,

looking at antiques.

the oldest, a girl with short blonde hair,

laughs constantly, not quick to get angry,

she takes each stride gracefully.

the youngest, a girl with long soft brown locks,

quiet,with a pretty smile,

hesitant when it comes to the world before her.

and in the middle, a boy, a dirty dishwater blonde,

lanky, and not quick to think,

he doesn't process much in his head.

pictures of moments

as the three take to the tracks,

and walk across, like on a balance beam

the two youngest run ahead to the middle of the rusty bridge,

and lean over, gazing at the water rushing.

and then the parents come up from the hill,

right as the train blows its horn.

chaos erupts in this moment,

when train meets track,

barreling to the bridge.

the oldest shouts,

as tears fall from her eyes,

she imagines life without the others.

not quick to think and move their feet,

the others turn to walk,

and notice the train.

and take off in a stumbling run

towards the end of the bridge.

slow motion takes on a whole new meaning,

as the train doesn't stop,

but time tries to.

the mother falls to her knees,

crying out for a miracle to save her children,

as the father stands astonished.

the boy and girl, face the train,

as if staring into the barrel of a 45.

the oldest thinks, take me,

they are young,

let them live, Lord, please.

they barely miss the side of the train,

as they reach the end of the bridge.

the oldest slaps the boy,

and cries out, asking him why he did this.

the youngest is scared,

for she only followed her older brother.

the mother, on her day,

hugs her children,

just grateful for another moment.

fear is read on the faces of the kids,

as they walk with their family

back to the car.

the oldest, thanks the Lord,

that they are ok, but can't begin to understand

the thoughts in their heads.

the boy acts out in anger,

claiming to not care, as the youngest looks up at him,

with sad eyes.

many tears were shed,

some of joy, some of sadness.

but sheer gratefulness rests in the minds and hearts of this family,

as the day comes to an end,

they recognize the miracle they were given on this day.

when the wind meets the mist

2009-04-26T18:27:00.000-07:00

the mist of the night falls on her hand

that dangles out her car window,

her blonde hair plays games with the wind.

soft beats play faintly,as she bobs her head and begins to feel it.

the green light changes to red,

and she sits in the stillness,

taking a few puffs from a cigar,

so recently lit.

she gets tired of waiting

and takes the right turn.

arriving at what appears to be

her destination, his house.

the night before,

she was on a highway,

far from home,

arriving at a place unknown.

he greeted her, with smiles,

and took her in,

to a room full of friends,

that instantly connected.

last night, was filled with laughter,

and perfect chemistry,

beautiful music,

and fun pictures to relive the memories.

tonight takes on a more chill persona,

as she sits in her car,

taking the last puffs of her cigar,

she smiles with windblown hair.

he walks out to greet her,

with nothing less than smiles and warmth,

she tries to hide the excitement in her eyes,

as his embrace takes her over.

hand in hand,

he leads her through the door,

and the couch beckons them

to come and be lazy.

she seeks her place,

fitting perfectly

in his arms,

like a mold to his body.

she has always loved being held,

to feel him so close,

the movie begins,

as she looks up at him.

this is her last night in town,

and then she must once again,

fly, with outstretched wings,

to a town far from this moment.

trying to not be saddened

by the thoughts of her head,

she takes it all in,

his smell, the noise, the feeling.

his hands, always made her feel,

secure, where she belonged.

his lips touch her forehead,

and sheer happiness fills her.

it has always felt

like they were

the only two in the room,

no matter where they are.

the movie comes to an end

and they lay entangled

on the couch,

nose to nose.

they laugh in the silence,

and find it adorable,

that somehow

time has brought them here.

after hours of crazy conversations,

filled with laughter,

and silly jokes,

its time for her to go.

as the dawn breaks,

he walks her out,

arm around her waist,

goodbyes are always the worst.

the mist is still falling,

and this time it hits

her lips, and then his,

as they meet.

its like bliss

in the street,

as their eyes,

do the talking.

she climbs in her car,

with her windblown blonde hair,

and his scent on her shirt,

one last kiss, as the window rolls up.

she drives away,

in the dawn,

with the beats softly playing,

as she bobs her head.

no cigar in her hand,

just the wind and the mist

to remind her of the night,

she will miss.

girl with a bird, she found in the snow

2009-04-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

the rain beats

on her window pane.

she sits staring

and hearing the words.

the sound of the rain,

take her back to last night.

in that moment,

her tears were warm.

the happiness began to give

off its warmth inside.

his words

she now could believe.

after all that has come

and all that has gone.

they leaned to hard,

and the bridge broke.

time played its role

they were far apart.

he used to be a monster,

and she was the healer.

she had no idea

the affects she could behold.

after the shut out,

and late night cries.

he was like a crow,

that would pluck at her face.

the winters snow,

took her place.

it covered him

in perfect wonder.

a blanket, a warmth,

that she used to provide.

she still sits by the window,

wonder when he will wake.

lies strangled her

from her breath.

she pushed away

everything she had felt.

time ran against itself

in the race.

the one day,

the crow arose.

the pressure of the snow,

no longer weighed him down.

he spread his weary wings,

and flew to her.

and they sat,

for hours of their life.

conversations of past,present, and future,

roll off their lips.

her tears, are joyous,

the disgusting is beautiful.

the crow is free

from the monster within.

she takes him in,

warms him like before.

not quick to get close,

not quick to turn away.

if there is anyone

that is meant for him,

its her.

first 2 lefts

2009-04-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

where could this have come from?

why all of a sudden?

when the front door opens,

i am greeted by a smile so grand,

and words so sweet

i can even begin to compare.

in your polo and tight jeans,

and beautiful hair.

is there more to this

than you actually share.

cadences play out

and pictures are shown.

you admire my ways

just as much as i do yours.

curl up on the couch,

with the dog in between

hold my hand

till i fall asleep.

we werent friends before

we never shared words,

a glance and half smile

is all i have to go on.

so where did this come from?

and where is it going?

im waiting on an answer

i will never receive,

im avoiding this feeling

that goes so deep.

as you sit,

making faces in my direction,

all i have to do is laugh,

and its perfection.

with drinks in hand

lets toast to this,

this moment,

when we became friends.

wait,

where did this come from?

are we friends?

why all of a sudden?

stupid girl,

calm you loud thoughts,

go with what you feel,

and the rest is out of your control.

anxiously waiting

2009-03-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

as i sit on this bus
the dead grass
and vacant hills
roll by my window.
the sun sets on the other side
two people in front
and none behind,
i sit here.
waiting, waiting
has always been the worst,
counting down never seemed to help.
the airport is full,
people are pacing,
as i sit and wonder
when the time will come
to board the plane,
as i hear the speakers
go off, i jump to my feet
and find the nearest seat,
fumbling around
i buckle myself in
and anxiously wait,
maybe twirl my thumbs
but only for a few seconds
as the plane fills up
i wait for the attendant
to walk up and down the rows,
checking everything
and offfering anything
to pass the time.
it never felt this long before,
why now?
maybe b/c i know
who is waiting for me
on the other side.

my family is
on the other side,
states away,
waiting for the arrival.
to see them will be
great, i have missed each one
for different reasons,
some big and some small.
i can't wait to be back
in warmer weather
with smiles all around.
their excitement is contagious,
as i walk down the long hallway,
the balloons will be seen,
my brother is the first
to run towards me,
followed by my sister
as my parents anxiously wait
feet away.
and then my mom isnt able
to wait any longer
and she shrieks
at the sight of my face,
as my dad patiently waits
with a goofy smile
as i walk over and hug him,
we walk out to the car
and begin the drive home.

he is waiting,
i know it.
waiting for me,
to come home,
waiting to see my smile
and gorgeous green eyes
staring him down,
he meets me
at the end of his driveway
and scoops me up
in a beautiful embrace.
i shed a tear
of sheer happiness.
then i wont let go,
and we stand there,
just taking it all in.
it seems so surreal,
lik i am stuck in this dream
or maybe i have been pulled
back, back to time
when we were so immature,
running the halls of high school.
after two years and only seconds
of randomly seeing each other,
at last we laugh
till our stomachs hurt,
and till we cant anymore.
that is one of the greatest things.
and then i get invited inside
we sit for hours
curled up in blankets
till the sunrises
and we are greeted
by his sisters laguhter
at the sight of us asleep
entangled
on the couch.

that's when i realize,
it wasn't a dream,
i have made it home.

corner of cherry and ninth

2009-03-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

here i sit,

states away,

and this is where i find what i have been looking for,

independence.

i have walked more

alleys,

than i can began to count.

i wandered across

a campus bigger than

rhode island,

and it is here,

that i found it.

in fact,

its not where i am,

its who i am.

i just had to get away

and run from what was behind.

i can walk every street

and not care,

that i am alone.

after nights laying awake,

wondering where "he" may be,

i realized,

what does it matter,

does it change anything

for me...

no, because i am not relying

on a single human being,

a being that will make me laugh

or cry or hurt.

whats done is done.

now i can walk,

uninhibited by anything.

today i walked by so many people,

smiled,

as if i were in love,

and the fact is,

i am.

in love with who i have become.

and what i have learned.

4 hours, downtown.

pictures fill my mind,

every step,

a new snapshot,

a different scenario.

i like this,

this seeking,

and finding

kind of adventure.

stories found around

every corner.

stories to make down

every alley.

the brick walls

beckon for attention

as you wander past

the colors strewn

across each

rectangle.

outlined with simplest

of lines,

varying in thickness.

it appears to be done

with the greatest

of ease.

in fact,

a story is revealed.

emotion plays through your mind

and tricks your eyes

into believing

something that is a lie.

the colors are just a release

of pressure

that is building

within your body

or heart.

its like youre defying something

the law,

but thats the thrill,

regardless of whether you are caught,

you placed a masterpiece

on a wall of concrete,

for anyone to walk by

and feel your vulnerability,

rebellion, tears,humor

and joy.

thanks for sharing

that with the world,

with the possibility

that you could get caught.

remains of the day

2009-03-03T10:23:00.001-08:00

I walk through those doors,
Those large glass sometimes wooden gallery doors,
I breathe in,
The feelings I get when I sit down on the concrete are unlike any other,
Everything is left on the other side of those doors,
Every negative emotion is hidden away,
Somewhere in the dark sky outside,
Subtle mumbled sounds can be heard from the open space next door,
A slight sound of piano plays faintly,
Faintly enough to trigger tranquility.
As I sit here,
Indian style,
This is the only place I can feel alive,
My imagination soars,
As Neal’s paintings hang on the wall,
I sit in the corner and view the open space
From all the angles.
Destruction and raw emotion
Reside in his paintings,
They beckon for your attention.
Brightly colored,
And highly saturated,
With textures falling off the canvas,
I wait and take it all in,
The lights from above,
Rest on my skin,
As if I am a piece of this place.
Tangled webs of pen on paper
Hang in black frames,
Those are my favorite,
Every color possible resting
In scribbles on scraps.
I feel like I blend in,
As if I am supposed to be here,
As if I am invited to sit on display as well,
The canvases are large and slightly overwhelming,
It is here that I find
Peace.

Peace of mind,
A time to clear my thoughts,
A moment to stare,
As if the seconds aren’t flying by.
All the panic of the past few days,
Are gone.
My heart is still,
No longer racing to keep up
With the outside world.
I can breathe
And not feel constricted,
I can be inspired by the smallest of things.

I drag out my easel,
And some newsprint,
And channel every bit of the negativity surrounding me,
Ebony in hand, I draw loosely,
The lines before me take on contours.
Contours of a figure,
Believed to be a woman.
This is the best
And most free I have been in the past weeks.
I am noticed by those wandering,
In and out of those doors,
Back out into the night sky,
Where all the emotions hide.
Go ahead and leave,
Instead of sit,
And deal with everything
You suppress.

On the other hand,
I will do whatever it takes
To get it out.
To stop the worry,
The pain, and anxiety.
I will deal with it,
For all to see.
I have now become,
A part of this gallery.
And as I take a few steps back,
I look at the lines,
That I have blindly drawn,
And I am proud.
Before me lies,
Everything inside,
On a piece of paper.
Nothing prohibiting me,
Nothing holding me back from feeling,
Alive.

Walking through those doors,
Have done great things for me.
Everyday when I walk in,
I am alive.
I am new.
I can breathe,
And channel everything around me,
Into something,
Worth feeling,
And appreciating.