its weird, when you find exactly what you want and what you feel is right,
and you have to wait it out. its one of those things where i know we both felt the same feelings, strong ones. its love. deep down to the core. and cold feet get in the way. but i know you love me and i love you right back. its something niether one of us can say anymore, but youre my best friend and i dont want any one different, you mean the world to me, and to replace you would be nothing short of second best, because no one is better than you. you are wonderful. you love God and you do  your best to serve him, and i get to watch. you are a provider. and i feel safe in your arms and your presence and thats how it should be. you are capable of loving unconditionally and i admire that in you.
its so weird for my soul to not want another, for me to not crave freedom from this, and thats how  i know it is right and i know you have to do what you need to do during this time, but i sure miss you.
i miss our conversations the most, and i know things wont go back to great at the end of this, in fact, we may have to start completely anew. and that is okay. id rather start over with you than be with somebody else. i know i repeat myself but its only because i want you to know that i care, alot, about you. i am trying my best to give you what you need, but some days, i just need you to talk to me like nothing is wrong or that your heart is hardened, i know you care. and i know we desire the same things in this and in life, and i dont want you to lose sight of that or of the Lord, so please....just hang in there, and dont grow cold, because i would do anything for you to know my thoughts and for you to know how much you mean to me.

you are the only that reads this...
or at least the only one i know that reads it.
its like i write little notes, straight from my heart and my mind,
for you to find, so sweetly nestled in the words on the screen.

its things i want so badly to just tell you,
but i would rather you just read them on your own time for now...
just know that i dont mind when you read them,
its like little bits of reassurance,
coming straight from my soul.

so babe, hang on these words,
put them in your pocket.
patience is key,
and trust is everything,
i am not leaving you here,
and i will never leave you here.
I will be here when you are ready,
my words are connected to my feet,
and i do everything according to them,
the thouht of losing you,
takes me deeply under,
and i start to drown in this horrible thought,
I have never let go of you
and i will not ever,
because love, you mean alot to me,
therefore, i will paddle and kick and continue to swim  in my thoughts,
i will not drown in them,
because you are the only one i want,
still, continuously, forever.
always.

so just let this be known....
i miss you.
and i am hanging on,
not fading into the gray.

a saturday night dream

brown boots, blue jean shorts,
blonde haired and green eyed,
freshly tan skin from the days rays,
she is ready for what this night holds,
avoiding the temptations,
and sticking to her guns,
whiskey and coke in hand,
he grabs the other, and steers her to the floor,
tall, dark, handsome, broad shoulders,
boots, jeans, and a sleepy smile,
she wraps one arm around him,
and they scuffle their boots to the beat of the music,
randy rogers, josh abbott,
the look he gives her is precious,
as she cant control her feet,
he leads her,
spins and twirls,
across the dance floor,
as every other girl turns green with envy,
he smiles down at her,
as she looks up at him,
the minutes of each song slow down
and its just the two of them.
and she find comfort in the nook of his shoulder,
songs end, and they take their places on the sidelines
as the others take the floor,
and they share stories,
with his arm around his chair,
and her hand on his leg,
as he just smiles are her
as if she is the most adorable thing around,
his attention doesn't waiver from her green eyes and big smile,
he is smitten by her
and the words that roll off her tongue,
he is caught up in every idea of her, she is beautiful,
they dance the night away,
and she can't help but smile, constantly,
he is wrapped around her little finger,
and wants to so badly to see her again,
but she has no idea.

4.3.11

and its two simple truths that i havent been able to wrap my mind around until last sunday...
sitting in a black tank top, jeans, cross legged in a black chair, picking at my nails,
begging God to show me something, or to tell me something....

blonde haired, weary eyed, i waited.
Matt begins to pour out his heart saying some of will grasp it and some already know....
God loves you.
God is with you.

simple, yes, we would like to think so....as my mind sat there, i knew i had heard those things before
so why is now...any different....

getting and feeling God's approval is one of the hardest things.

yes. yes. it is.
all my life i have wrestled with this concept.

no matter the thousands of times i have let go, he has never let go of me.
he has made me unshakable in world that is shaky.

God's love is not founded on what we do, good or bad.
His approval of me is not waivered by my failures.

As Matt held out a hand and said....imagine your sin, the one you consider to be the worst...
tears welled up in my eyes facing the facts of my past life
and then truth is spoken into them in that moment...
God loves you despite these things, he loved you before them, through them and he will love you after them.
tears streamed down my face.

Matt held out his other hand....imagine your fears, the worst thing that could happen, that you are afraid of....
the tears got worse,
and then then the truth comes overflowing....
God is with you in them, He will not let you go, He brought you to every moment for a reason,


i sat with my face buried in my hands, and i wept.


in that moment, the weight of the fact that God never failed to pursue me,
he never let go of me, this was overwhelming...

peace rested sweetly on my soul.

as my lips sung the beauties of his love.

His hold is stronger than i can dare hope or dream.

love immeasurable,
matchless and bountiful.
you came to waken us to life.