i miss you today.

someone like you-adele

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

good morning sun, let me meet you with a run, minute after minute turns into an hour and its the first time in awhile that i have felt free to be me, and its simple or so it sounds, but you have no idea how much time this has taken me...you make me feel like i can breathe in the sweetest things wtih ease. you are something i am grateful for, you dont force me into this mold that i cant seem to fill, you dont expect me to be anybody other than myself and for that i am grateful.

12 hours,spent.

and the day begins with mounds of paperwork

and layers of concrete,

but little do they know the day is just unfolding 

into something great

car drives and coffee time,

the hours fly by,

until he gets to her driveway

after a long morning

her oversized shirt

swallows her up

as her wavy wet hair, just sits there,

she is adorably waiting for him

he stands before her,

tall, dark, smiling,

she runs up to him, and hugs him,

with every ounce of strength her arms have

music is shared along with laughter

and its like they have known each other before,

but this is the first time they have been together

and yes it shocks them too

cuddles on the couch,

he is content 

and she is perfectly happy

all curled up

pizza for dinner,

and a thrilling movie,

they are wrapped up in each other

its comfortable

stories from the heart,

followed by little kisses,

and sleep,

there isn't a dull moment

his kisses are sweet,

and charming,

just like his character,

she is thankful for this

the morning sun will soon rise,

and the day will begin again,

she is excited

and his face seems to agree with her

so bring on tmrw,

in hopes of another great day.

first thought of the morning

oversized longsleeve and blue jean cut offs,

black coffee and a good book,

just let me be.

and let me breathe,

wavy blonde hair cascading 

from a head held high,

this morning is earlier 

than she thought it was,

fidgets and cup after cup,

she sits

waiting to just write what is on her mind,

its like thats her sweet little way of bearing her soul

knowing it will be read, 

its just more simple this way,

to write it out

its this tinge of vulnerability that she cant escape

even if she tries, 

and thats okay.

in a way its what she wants,

for you to know how she is,

but you have to read between the little lines...

sweet thing-july 5

so this is it, sweet thing.

chocolate milk,

ponytail and tanktop,

you 

me

and this comfy couch,

this is it, sweet thing,

together,

mile for mile,

lazy day,

you look

at me.

this is it, sweet thing,

cuddle 

closer

fingers intertwined

kiss my fore head

this is it sweet thing,

rain falls

harder outside

warmth 

stays in.

this is it sweet thing

let me hold you

right here

for now

curl up

this is it sweet thing

sun will rise

in a few

what will be left sweet thing.

the grand in the corner

here sit the keys, beckoning for my black nailed fingers,
its like i should only play on the black keys today,
as the sun slowly peers in through my darkened curtains,
its morning staring at me, and cascading over the black satin piece before me,
all night ive sat here, waiting to let the music dictate,
but the music isnt there, and my soul is weak,
the white keys now radiate such light,
as i sit here, i place my fingers so sweetly on the keys,
i miss you,
and i start to play, and the drowning sound of music
comes from these fingertips,
just rolling in the deep, in this moment,
i am free, and my soul misses you,
now more than ever, so i will sit here longer
and play till my fingers hurt,
because youre what i want.

welll.i am learning on this little adventure.
and certain moments get sweeter.
your apology means the world to me
and real conversations with you exist just like they did previously and for that i am thankful.

its weird, when you find exactly what you want and what you feel is right,
and you have to wait it out. its one of those things where i know we both felt the same feelings, strong ones. its love. deep down to the core. and cold feet get in the way. but i know you love me and i love you right back. its something niether one of us can say anymore, but youre my best friend and i dont want any one different, you mean the world to me, and to replace you would be nothing short of second best, because no one is better than you. you are wonderful. you love God and you do  your best to serve him, and i get to watch. you are a provider. and i feel safe in your arms and your presence and thats how it should be. you are capable of loving unconditionally and i admire that in you.
its so weird for my soul to not want another, for me to not crave freedom from this, and thats how  i know it is right and i know you have to do what you need to do during this time, but i sure miss you.
i miss our conversations the most, and i know things wont go back to great at the end of this, in fact, we may have to start completely anew. and that is okay. id rather start over with you than be with somebody else. i know i repeat myself but its only because i want you to know that i care, alot, about you. i am trying my best to give you what you need, but some days, i just need you to talk to me like nothing is wrong or that your heart is hardened, i know you care. and i know we desire the same things in this and in life, and i dont want you to lose sight of that or of the Lord, so please....just hang in there, and dont grow cold, because i would do anything for you to know my thoughts and for you to know how much you mean to me.

you are the only that reads this...
or at least the only one i know that reads it.
its like i write little notes, straight from my heart and my mind,
for you to find, so sweetly nestled in the words on the screen.

its things i want so badly to just tell you,
but i would rather you just read them on your own time for now...
just know that i dont mind when you read them,
its like little bits of reassurance,
coming straight from my soul.

so babe, hang on these words,
put them in your pocket.
patience is key,
and trust is everything,
i am not leaving you here,
and i will never leave you here.
I will be here when you are ready,
my words are connected to my feet,
and i do everything according to them,
the thouht of losing you,
takes me deeply under,
and i start to drown in this horrible thought,
I have never let go of you
and i will not ever,
because love, you mean alot to me,
therefore, i will paddle and kick and continue to swim  in my thoughts,
i will not drown in them,
because you are the only one i want,
still, continuously, forever.
always.

so just let this be known....
i miss you.
and i am hanging on,
not fading into the gray.

a saturday night dream

brown boots, blue jean shorts,
blonde haired and green eyed,
freshly tan skin from the days rays,
she is ready for what this night holds,
avoiding the temptations,
and sticking to her guns,
whiskey and coke in hand,
he grabs the other, and steers her to the floor,
tall, dark, handsome, broad shoulders,
boots, jeans, and a sleepy smile,
she wraps one arm around him,
and they scuffle their boots to the beat of the music,
randy rogers, josh abbott,
the look he gives her is precious,
as she cant control her feet,
he leads her,
spins and twirls,
across the dance floor,
as every other girl turns green with envy,
he smiles down at her,
as she looks up at him,
the minutes of each song slow down
and its just the two of them.
and she find comfort in the nook of his shoulder,
songs end, and they take their places on the sidelines
as the others take the floor,
and they share stories,
with his arm around his chair,
and her hand on his leg,
as he just smiles are her
as if she is the most adorable thing around,
his attention doesn't waiver from her green eyes and big smile,
he is smitten by her
and the words that roll off her tongue,
he is caught up in every idea of her, she is beautiful,
they dance the night away,
and she can't help but smile, constantly,
he is wrapped around her little finger,
and wants to so badly to see her again,
but she has no idea.

4.3.11

and its two simple truths that i havent been able to wrap my mind around until last sunday...
sitting in a black tank top, jeans, cross legged in a black chair, picking at my nails,
begging God to show me something, or to tell me something....

blonde haired, weary eyed, i waited.
Matt begins to pour out his heart saying some of will grasp it and some already know....
God loves you.
God is with you.

simple, yes, we would like to think so....as my mind sat there, i knew i had heard those things before
so why is now...any different....

getting and feeling God's approval is one of the hardest things.

yes. yes. it is.
all my life i have wrestled with this concept.

no matter the thousands of times i have let go, he has never let go of me.
he has made me unshakable in world that is shaky.

God's love is not founded on what we do, good or bad.
His approval of me is not waivered by my failures.

As Matt held out a hand and said....imagine your sin, the one you consider to be the worst...
tears welled up in my eyes facing the facts of my past life
and then truth is spoken into them in that moment...
God loves you despite these things, he loved you before them, through them and he will love you after them.
tears streamed down my face.

Matt held out his other hand....imagine your fears, the worst thing that could happen, that you are afraid of....
the tears got worse,
and then then the truth comes overflowing....
God is with you in them, He will not let you go, He brought you to every moment for a reason,


i sat with my face buried in my hands, and i wept.


in that moment, the weight of the fact that God never failed to pursue me,
he never let go of me, this was overwhelming...

peace rested sweetly on my soul.

as my lips sung the beauties of his love.

His hold is stronger than i can dare hope or dream.

love immeasurable,
matchless and bountiful.
you came to waken us to life.

ramble moment

mayan mocha.sketchbook.
letters.thoughts.
moments.

i can't help but to still let my mind wander in and out of reality,
to jump from blog to blog,
to wonder when this too shall pass,
to let me be completely alone.

my mind races in the night, as my head tries to sleep,
but this pillow and this bed, just arent the same anymore,
i cant enjoy sleep knowing the weekend is appraoching and i cant see you.

and why is this the case, why does my heart still break randomly.

i beg myself not to become numb.
a week and a half has come and gone,
and you want to figure this out.

and i know its true so this sweet girl will wait on you,
for as long as it takes for the amount of weeks that accumulate,
i want you.still.

and some days are harder,
and id be crazy if i didnt get frustrated sometimes,
but i dont let that hinder my feelings about you.
i still love you.
even in this.


and there is no way to tell you but to wait to prove it.

and if being patient is what proves my love for you.
then so be it.
i will wait.

letters of love and quiet moments...
i love you like the stars above.
and ill love you till i die.

and these ramblings are the pace of my brain.
from song to moment....
everything races by while i wait.....
and slow motion consumes me.
i could run as fast as i want but i will go nowhere,
because i just want to run to you.

and i wonder what you are doing
and what you are learning
when you leave me the dark
i wonder what will happen next,
so my expectations are void,
and my thoughts hurt me sometimes but
love of mine, i will wait.

these arent just empty words
i am here sweetly waiting for you.

and i will back up the words with sweet moments.
while i stand my ground.


because i love you.
everything about you.
and this hurts to go through,
but love i will be here.
at the end of it all.

reposted from march 23,2010

there could never be another

where'd all this sweetness come from, best friend?

this caring soul you posses is shining through

and a smile cant help but breach my face,

your perseverance is impeccable,

as you chase me around from year to year

and not an angry frown as controlled your thoughts,

country music, boots, and dancing in the kitchen,

is something i hated before you swept me off my feet,

and these moments make me joyful,

and not just happy temporarily.

i have burnt the bridges in my past

and left that baggage on the last plane,

ready and willing to embark on the next adventure,

so please be patient, as you care for me,

because i am not quick to accept it,

you have the boys from before to thank for my callused heart.

so read my expression of love,

and take it as a grain of salt,

because this isnt easy for me

as you soften my heart

and lead me,

i cant help but be grateful

for such a beautiful thing.

best friend,

thanks for never permanently leaving my side,

through thick and thin,

youre the only guy that has picked up all the broken pieces,

stringing them back together isn't going to be easy,

but you will have some help,

so don't let go when it gets rough,

because thats what the others did,

don't lead me into darkness,

because i am giving you my trust,

get ready,

you might want to buckle up,

this adventure appears to be a long one,

filled with beautiful stops and time to smell the flowers.

today, tomorrow, i will be here.
glorious, he will reign, at the beginning and end of each day.

youre still my best friend

God gave me you for the ups and the downs,so i can't be discouraged, for He will be glorified, and i recognize your obedience and all that it entails...so even though this is hard for me, i know it is best for you, so i will hold on, knowing that the end result will be beautiful, when your struggles are no longer. it is easy to be angry and therefore in order to be stronger, i will not fall into anger.
it is easy to believe lies, therefore i will not. i will hang on every word, and trust that you have my best interest at heart and even more importantly that my Creator has my best interest at heart...
and he knows that my heart desires you when things are all said and done, and he knows what is best for us.together and apart.
i pray that you don't forget our sweet moments together, like morning kisses, a cruise, valentines day, cstat, weekends together, or smaller things, like sharing deodorant, and wearing your shirts, or dancing in hotel rooms to late hours of the night trying to perfect the pretzel, the list goes on, from bra shopping to walking around the block, you have brought joy to all these things for me, and your smile seems to agree.
i pray that your soul be renewed and wonderful, that you recognize what is right, and i pray for determination and strength and perseverance and peace.
i pray that you understand where i am coming from and that you know i will not waiver,
i will be by your side as your best friend, like it always has been and always will be, although this is hard, my tears are done, and i can now learn to encourage and love you better, for in this, i am trying to be thankful.
i do not harbor anger in your direction, and i try not to worry as you go forth on your own, please dont fail to keep informed and set me at ease, for it is a rough transition.

best friend, you mean alot to me, more than words can express, you have not failed me, and you have always directed my eyes to the Lord and not to your own hands, for i have learned so much through all of this and i know it can only get better, day at a time, and i pray that we can rebuild our relationship with an even greater foundation. so do what you must, and soak it all in, for you are wonderful, and God is going to do great things for you in the course of this time.

and so she will patiently for the one she wants beside her,
she has been through so much just to get to one year with you,
and she loves you more than you are able to comprehend,
her heart is yours to hold or to break,
and its a scary thought for her to trust, yet she lets you in so willingly,
everyone can see how perfect they are together,
yet he stumbles once in awhile and lets her sit and wait,while he makes up his mind,
and all that she needs is a simple answer,
so she will hang on every word, as he talks to her,
and she will cry sweet tears, when she hears his voice,
it takes everything within her to get through one day at a time,
and as she sleeps she dreams, of every sweet moment, that she is afraid he is letting go,
and when the dawn breaks, another day begins,
and she will go on, just waiting for him to take her in,
because he means more to her than any other, ever has or ever will.

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)

and this is constantly on my mind,
how can you give her everything and promise her tommorrow?
and then just want to walk away from her at the drop of a pin.
how can you not see how wonderful she is for you?
on your weakest of days she is there to hold you up,
on your happiest, she is there to jump for joy with you,
she has given up plenty for you.
how can you not see the heartache she is willing to go through, just for you
her final cries are ones of pain, despair, and love,
she cant let go of something she wanted for so long,
she want you at the finish line with her,
how could this not be right?
are your attractions wandering?
you are wavering at her expense,
and leaving her to ponder what she did wrong,
and around every break and bend, she is still standing strong,
attempting to prove to you that she is the one for you,
the one that will not go away after an arguement,
the one that will help you through life's journey,
the one that will stand by your side when no one else will,
the one that cares deeply about you, and hurts when you do,
she aches over wasted time and energy,
and the way you push yourself away,
the hurt is heavy and the burden even heavier,
yet she will carry it, just to be with you,
you are her best friend, and she is yours,
yet you cant be honest with her,
even in moments such as this,
she prays for answers,
for wisdom
for guidance
for you.
she will hold on,
until she cant anymore,
she is slowly breaking
but has little glimmers of hope
and little glimpse of joy,
as she clings to her Creator, admist the turmoil,
and begs for no pain, although her heart is full,
she looks at old pictures, and pulls our old memory files,
and believes that everything in her life has lead her to you,
and its all left in your hands,
for you to take or for you to leave,
its a hard decision to take on,
and she wonders why you do this to her
but she waits patiently because she knows how right it all feels,
she loves you more than anyone,
and will give you the time you need,
she hopes you take into account the happy things,
and sweet moments and memories, that you wont ever have with someone else,
because she knows your difficult self, and in the end,
you are worth it to her.
so don't be hasty and leave her right away,
when things arent simple and life gets in the way,
you need each other, its plain to see,
you were meant to be.

and i hope that you arent slipping away from me,
like a faded flower in the field.
and i hope that you don't see me differently than before,
because all of this has got to stop and this whole bit needs to end.
the stress of this is hard enough on me, and it makes me shiver,
so i keep clinging and i cant help but hold on tighter than normal,
and i am sorry, i just will not let you go.
i know things in your world revolve around work, but i am still here,
and i will not go anywhere unless you want to push me away,
so while the last few days havent been easy, niether will the next few months,
so please dont leave me in the midst of mayhem, while you chase other things,
it is hard enough with the distance, and i pray that it makes your heart grow more full,
than ever before.
so please stick by my side like you have all along, now is not the time to slowly fade away,
because i need your gaze and your attention more than ever,
and your sweet words would help too,
instead of wandering in  your mind,
look at me and tell me what youre thinking.
stop leaving me in the dark, because it scares me
and all i want is you to come grab my hand,
while this storm passes raging by.

breathless

why, why is it that i only harbor hatred towards you. 

the roots of the turmoil go deep within my soul, my sweet happy little soul, that cries for tenderness. 

the fights and volume of your voice remain as the hurt creeping in my neck.

sometimes i can't shake it off, the way you shook me.

i can't let go of the late nights and scary times, the forced laughter and love.

why, why is it that i only resent you.

the superficiality of you, sits in the pit of my stomach,

the weight of your friendship, pulls me down too far.

sometimes i hold it all against you, you critical bitch.

i can't help but picture you in agony, with a smile on my face.

why, why is it that you chased me.

the excitement in your eyes, warms my heart.

the beauty in your touch lays effortlessly on my skin.

sometimes i wonder how you got here.

i can't help but to hold on tight.

why why is it that you love me.

the past haunts me and sits on my porch in bags.

the look in your eyes is comforting to my long lost self.

sometimes i don't understand your loving demeanor.

i can't let go of all the joy you have brought me.

why why is it that we are so perfect together.

the good always outweighs the bad.

the days are continually brighter with you.

sometimes i realize this dream, is my reality.

i don;t understand how this all happened.

lover of my impossible soul,

thank you for holding me close when the bellboy knocks on my door with lost baggage.

i can always turn to you, and you love me, consistently.

i am beyond breathless at my journey.

sweet nothings

and the day we broke up was the day i went flying, the day i set soar in the skies above with my little wings, that are now the width of an eagle's. it is funny how you think about your life consistently and how you think it will pan out and then it never quite goes according to your daydreams.
it takes years and mistakes to get your daydreams into reality.

breathless abandonment.

its weird for me to pull out the files of old memories, its like something i have so simply tried to erase. from moment to moment, i erase. but little bits of nothing remain.

the moment i walked out your hideous door, my daydreams fell right before me as if i was walking through a wardrobe of wonders and every little door opened after that.

here i sit.literally....wondering how....