anxiously waiting

as i sit on this bus
the dead grass 
and vacant hills
roll by my window.
the sun sets on the other side
two people in front
and none behind,
i sit here.
waiting, waiting
has always been the worst,
counting down never seemed to help.
the airport is full,
people are pacing,
as i sit and wonder 
when the time will come 
to board the plane,
as i hear the speakers 
go off, i jump to my feet
and find the nearest seat,
fumbling around
i buckle myself in
and anxiously wait,
maybe twirl my thumbs 
but only for a few seconds
as the plane fills up
i wait for the attendant 
to walk up and down the rows,
checking everything
and offfering anything
to pass the time.
it never felt this long before,
why now?
maybe b/c i know
who is waiting for me 
on the other side.

my family is 
on the other side,
states away,
waiting for the arrival.
to see them will be 
great, i have missed each one
for different reasons,
some big and some small.
i can't wait to be back 
in warmer weather
with smiles all around.
their excitement is contagious,
as i walk down the long hallway,
the balloons will be seen,
my brother is the first 
to run towards me,
followed by my sister
as my parents anxiously wait 
feet away.
and then my mom isnt able 
to wait any longer
and she shrieks 
at the sight of my face,
as my dad patiently waits 
with a goofy smile
as i walk over and hug him,
we walk out to the car
and begin the drive home.

he is waiting,
i know it.
waiting for me,
to come home,
waiting to see my smile
and gorgeous green eyes
staring him down,
he meets me 
at the end of his driveway
and scoops me up 
in a beautiful embrace.
i shed a tear
of sheer happiness.
then i wont let go,
and we stand there,
just taking it all in.
it seems so surreal,
lik i am stuck in this dream 
or maybe i have been pulled 
back, back to time
when we were so immature,
running the halls of high school.
after two years and only seconds 
of randomly seeing each other,
at last we laugh
till our stomachs hurt,
and till we cant anymore.
that is one of the greatest things.
and then i get invited inside
we sit for hours 
curled up in blankets
till the sunrises 
and we are greeted 
by his sisters laguhter
at the sight of us asleep 
entangled
on the couch.

that's when i realize,
it wasn't a dream,
i have made it home.

corner of cherry and ninth

here i sit,

states away,

and this is where i find what i have been looking for,

independence.

i have walked more 

alleys,

than i can began to count.

i wandered across

a campus bigger than

rhode island,

and it is here,

that i found it.

in fact, 

its not where i am,

its who i am.

i just had to get away

and run from what was behind.

i can walk every street

and not care,

that i am alone.

after nights laying awake,

wondering where "he" may be,

i realized,

what does it matter,

does it change anything 

for me...

no, because i am not relying 

on a single human being,

a being that will make me laugh

or cry or hurt.

whats done is done.

now i can walk,

uninhibited by anything.

today i walked by so many people,

smiled,

as if i were in love,

and the fact is,

i am.

in love with who i have become.

and what i have learned.

4 hours, downtown.

pictures fill my mind,

every step,

a new snapshot,

a different scenario.

i like this,

this seeking,

and finding

kind of adventure.

stories found around

every corner.

stories to make down 

every alley.

the brick walls

beckon for attention

as you wander past

the colors strewn 

across each

rectangle.

outlined with simplest

of lines,

varying in thickness.

it appears to be done 

with the greatest

of ease.

in fact,

a story is revealed.

emotion plays through your mind

and tricks your eyes

into believing

something that is a lie.

the colors are just a release

of pressure 

that is building 

within your body 

or heart.

its like youre defying something

the law,

but thats the thrill,

regardless of whether you are caught,

you placed a masterpiece 

on a wall of concrete,

for anyone to walk by

and feel your vulnerability,

rebellion, tears,humor

and joy.

thanks for sharing 

that with the world,

with the possibility 

that you could get caught.

remains of the day

I walk through those doors,
Those large glass sometimes wooden gallery doors,
I breathe in,
The feelings I get when I sit down on the concrete are unlike any other,
Everything is left on the other side of those doors,
Every negative emotion is hidden away,
Somewhere in the dark sky outside,
Subtle mumbled sounds can be heard from the open space next door,
A slight sound of piano plays faintly,
Faintly enough to trigger tranquility.
As I sit here,
Indian style,
This is the only place I can feel alive,
My imagination soars,
As Neal’s paintings hang on the wall,
I sit in the corner and view the open space 
From all the angles.
Destruction and raw emotion 
Reside in his paintings,
They beckon for your attention.
Brightly colored,
And highly saturated,
With textures falling off the canvas,
I wait and take it all in,
The lights from above,
Rest on my skin,
As if I am a piece of this place.
Tangled webs of pen on paper
Hang in black frames,
Those are my favorite,
Every color possible resting 
In scribbles on scraps.
I feel like I blend in,
As if I am supposed to be here,
As if I am invited to sit on display as well,
The canvases are large and slightly overwhelming,
It is here that I find 
Peace.

Peace of mind,
A time to clear my thoughts,
A moment to stare,
As if the seconds aren’t flying by.
All the panic of the past few days,
Are gone.
My heart is still, 
No longer racing to keep up
With the outside world.
I can breathe 
And not feel constricted,
I can be inspired by the smallest of things.

I drag out my easel,
And some newsprint,
And channel every bit of the negativity surrounding me,
Ebony in hand, I draw loosely,
The lines before me take on contours.
Contours of a figure,
Believed to be a woman.
This is the best 
And most free I have been in the past weeks.
I am noticed by those wandering,
In and out of those doors,
Back out into the night sky, 
Where all the emotions hide.
Go ahead and leave,
Instead of sit,
And deal with everything
You suppress.

On the other hand,
I will do whatever it takes
To get it out.
To stop the worry,
The pain, and anxiety.
I will deal with it,
For all to see.
I have now become,
A part of this gallery.
And as I take a few steps back,
I look at the lines,
That I have blindly drawn,
And I am proud.
Before me lies,
Everything inside,
On a piece of paper.
Nothing prohibiting me,
Nothing holding me back from feeling,
Alive.

Walking through those doors,
Have done great things for me.
Everyday when I walk in,
I am alive.
I am new.
I can breathe,
And channel everything around me,
Into something,
Worth feeling,
And appreciating.